"... I don't know how to make it better or worse. I don't... I don't know anything about how to treat trauma. I wouldn't even know where to start. I want to be better, I want to be okay... but I'm not. And I just... don't want that to end up hurting you." He's scared of losing the other, but he's more scared of hurting him and driving him away in that way.
Bob just lands on a shelf and starts tucking away for the night, giving the pair privacy. Casper's eyes flick up to where he's landed and - okay. Bob's safe. He can concentrate on Shang Beida. "You're so important to me, even though we've just met." His hand moves up to stroke the other's hair. Just the contact alone with his boyfriend is calming. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep hurting you or making you doubt or... I know everything you're saying to me is true - like, I can literally tell - but it's... hard to accept." He takes a deep breath. "That I'm not broken or wrong or sick or deluded or weak or... or too soft or too slow or an utter, miserable failure." That's what his mother had called him, among other things. And if a goddess says it, it has to be true, right?
... He knows that gods lie or have their own opinions that they treat as true. But ever since then it's felt like there's been a weight on him that he's had to fight against. "I'm not scared of you. I'm just scared for you. And I don't... know anything about relationships. The um... videos I watched... didn't cover that part." He blushes faintly - he knows he can just say 'porn', but it feels awkward! Wrong and deviant and - he takes a breath, doing his best to halt that downard spiral before it gets too deep.
Shang Beida curls into Casper's side, eyes closing involuntarily when the younger man starts stroking his hair. It's actually a little hard to keep his train of thought but that absolutely does not mean he wants his boyfriend to stop. "I don't know how to, make anything better or, I'm not like actually good at social, like, anything really, which is part of why no one likes me, but you like me, and I like you so much, and I just want to... be with you, however you-- I'm durable, if you freak out and hit me by accident it's fine, I'm used to being hit on purpose, it's not a big deal! I'm hard to damage! But I like you and I want you to be happy and I-- holy shit I really like, this, touching you, I've written like the touch starved trope before but I didn't realize how much of a real thing it was, and no one's really touched me except to hit me in decades, but now you're, you want to touch me like this, and you're not weak or a failure or-- being soft isn't bad, because I'm pretty sure that means caring about people, and caring is one of the ways you're better than me, because I'm really not a good person like you are, and I don't know how relationships work either, I've never... anything... and I'm pretty sure everything I wrote was stupid and terrible though there was a lot of swooning and I did sort of feel like swooning when your wings-- nevermind, I mean, just, um. We can. Try and figure it out together?" He's warm and comfortable and safe and his guard is down and his stream of consciousness is just coming out of his mouth.
He attempts to follow Shang Beida - he loves you schatzi, but slow down - and kisses the other on the top of the head. Shh, it's fine. "Being hit on purpose isn't okay. You're worth more than that." He isn't, but details. "No one's touched me like this either other than to hurt me. And I'm... I failed at my missions, my purpose, the entire reason I'm alive." And continues to be 'alive', so to speak. He's aware he's literally a dead man walking.
"But you are a good person. I care about you and you care about me and about other people and it's just..." He's afraid. He doesn't want to lose the other but he doesn't want to push too hard. He's just scared all around. "I want to touch you... I want to hold you but I don't want to freak out and hurt you and I don't know what to do with holding someone, I don't know what even feels nice because I've never been touched nicely and I just..." His lower lip trembles, a sure sign that he's getting close to tears.
He swallows hard and tries to keep himself calm, but it's not working. "I'm just scared." His voice comes out thin and crackly, his fingers curling into the other's robe. "I know you're... more eager to jump into things and I don't want to not let you have the things you want. I just... I just don't want to do something wrong? I don't... know what I'm comfortable with because I've never tried it."
"I... finished my reason to be alive, I guess? The plot finished, even if it's... a different plot now, with Luo Binghe just marrying Cucumber-bro instead of like uh I actually lost count of how many wives and concubines he had in the novel. There's... no reason for me, anymore. Shang Qinghua is supposed to have died by now, I'm... on borrowed time. Which is-- my point is I understand? And it's not-- you're living, you get to... decide what you're living for. The missions aren't here, and maybe they were bullshit anyway I don't know, or maybe they were too much-- sometimes it's... sometimes things are more than you can actually do? And it isn't your fault?"
Shang Beida sits up a little, enough to wrap his arms around Casper in a way that is hopefully comforting. "I don't want to just... take things from you, baobei. I don't want anything from you if you don't want it. You're... I only want anything if you want it, just... using you for... no, that would be awful, that's not... no. We don't have to... do anything but... we can just cuddle if that's what keeps you comfortable or, or anything. I want you to have what you want, 心爱, treasure, I-- it's not that I don't, want... things... but not like-- I don't know what I'm doing either, or what I would... I mean, I've, um, like, with, myself, um, I know, um, what I... like like that, but..." His face is hot, but it's too tucked into Casper's shoulder for his blush to be visible. He can't just come out and tell his boyfriend about his masturbation habits that's embarrassing!
"... I don't know. I don't... really get a choice in what I do at home." But here, maybe... maybe. He wraps his arms around the other and leans into him heavily. It's okay. It'll be okay.
He's not sure what he wants right now. It's awkward and confusing and he loves this man, but he's just... lost in this kind of thing. And there's not like there's anyone here he knows who's experienced that he can ask. "I just... when we get to stuff - when, not now - we can take it slow and figure out what we both like? We're... uh. Both kind of repressed, aren't we? Or... that's not the right word but we're eager. But neither of us really know what we want."
That's... reasonable, isn't it? "I just want you to be happy. And you want me to be happy. So let's... try to make both of us happy." He leans as if to lie down, but if the other doesn't go with him he'll pull back up. "But we're both really tired right now. We... we shouldn't make decisions about that stuff now, right?"
"You should get a choice. You should... you should always get a choice. Not being able to choose what... you don't deserve that. And we're both free of it here." He leans back against Casper, the younger man reassuringly solid against him, just as deceptively strong.
"Repressed isn't... all the way wrong, I don't think. You had... homophobia at home and... my first life, it's illegal in China... and I've always been too... unlikable and nervous to... try anything."
"That sounds... good. Just... we can figure it out." He curls into Casper with a sigh as he lies back. "We can... definitely get some rest first. Rest is important." He can't resist, however, turning to kiss Casper. Because... boyfriend. Right there.
"Yeah I don't... know about the social attitudes in China." He's never been a political guy. Why, when history and mythology are right there? But he leans in and kisses the other back briefly, stroking his hair as they both look at each other. "And you're not unlikeable to me. And if someone likes you, can you really call yourself unlikeable?" He smiles a little and snuggles into the other's shoulder.
He's warm. He's safe. He doesn't need to be afraid. Despite the circumstances, this might be close to the happiest he's been in his life. It's a little terrifying, this unknown emotion - he's not sure what to do with it. He turns his head and presses a kiss to Shang Beida's jaw. "... We'll protect each other, right?"
It is... really almost too much, having Casper so warm and close and sincere, saying nice things about him. "I have no idea how I convinced you to like me, but... I guess you're right. I can't be completely unlikable."
"We will. I'll do anything to keep you safe." He almost feels believable, promising that, now that he's actually concretely saved Casper. He's not just a useless coward. He sighs and nuzzles into Casper's neck. He's warm and comfortable and held and... he doesn't think he's ever felt safer. Casper would never let anything hurt him. "我爱你， 宝贝， 我的心爱," he murmurs sleepily. He's been awake for days, and while he can do that just fine with cultivation, that and the adrenaline crash from finding Casper like that is catching up with him now that he's lying down.
"You were just yourself, and that's what mattered." He makes a soft noise, more like a sigh than anything else. He isn't sure that he's going to be able to sleep, but he is really tired. He keeps stroking the other's hair and blinking sleepily.
Hm... "It's okay. I'm here. You can rest." He can feel himself wobbling on the edge of sleep and wakefulness. It's a little scary - he's never been good at sleeping quickly. And there's no night sky he can just stare at. "I've got you. You'll wake up and everything will be fine."
"You have me," Shang Beida mumbles into Casper's shoulder, losing the fight against sleep. Rather than going limp, he just wraps himself further around his boyfriend, apparently focused entirely on clinging now that his mind isn't available to hold him back.
It takes Casper a little longer to fall asleep, but eventually it finds him. It's not kind, but it finds him. He grumbles something in a language that's totally incomprehensible and shifts a bit, trying to find... something. Someone. He's quiet for a bit longer before he wakes with a half-choked shout, sitting up and looking around himself.
... Oh. ... Okay. Okay, he's - and Shang Beida is right next to him, and he's... he puts a hand over his chest, feeling his heart rate slowly starting to lower again. He's okay. They're both okay.
The choked cry and movement are enough to wake up Shang Beida, who sits up quickly and looks around to confirm that they're not being attacked before turning to Casper. "Nightmare?" His voice is a little lower than usual, rough with sleep, and his hair is a mess from being left loose.
"Yeah." His voice is also rough and he wraps his arms around the other, burying his face in his shoulder. "... Had a dream that you were taken by giants." It's something that's happened to one of his teammates before, so it's not inconceivable. "Just... don't remember a lot of the details."
He kisses Shang Beida's cheek and lets out a slow breath. "... Sorry for waking you, schatzi."
Shang Beida wraps his arms around Casper, holding him close, and strokes his hair. "I'm here. We're okay. And it's okay. I don't want you to... be upset alone." He kisses Casper's temple. It's... sort of astonishing that Casper cares enough about him to have a nightmare about him being hurt. That he matters that much. He squeezes him tighter. "I'm here, baobei."
He melts into the other, the affection making him feel a little wobbly and warm. "I know. I know, it's just a nightmare." He holds a breath for a long few seconds and then lets it out. "I'm... I know I'm probably just being stupid, it just... I don't want you to be put in that position. Even without the danger of them eating you they and their homes smell pretty bad."
It's not the point and he knows it, but... "You should go back to sleep." Not like he's not still exhausted, but... he's not sure if he can.
"Mm... maybe. I know you maybe can't get back to sleep after that, but... Lie back down with me? Even just lying down is better for you than not resting, there was an episode of something about it... that American show where they blow stuff up for science..." He tugs Casper back towards lying down. "Also because you're warm and cuddling is nice..."
"There's like five of those aren't there?" He's not sure, Americans like their explosions. Doesn't matter. He follows his schatzi and lies back down, snuggling into the other's chest to keep himself grounded. Shang Beida is here, he can feel him, smell him, see him. It's okay. He tucks the blankets more around the other - he gets a little too hot with so many.
His eyes slip closed and he takes a deep breath. It's okay. It'll all be okay. His heartbeat is back to a normal pace now and he's just... glad for the attention over everything else. His body feels heavy, the adrenaline spike in it just making him feel worse. "'m not that warm, am I?" He knows he runs a little bit colder but maybe he's still warm enough? He's not sure. "... Just don't want you to be taken away..." He's happy - or close enough to it - for once in his life.
"I don't know, I don't watch much American TV... something about crab boats..." He pets Casper's hair, relaxing against him.
"Warmer than the boat," Shang Beida mumbles. "Warm enough... so sweet... Won't let anyone keep us apart, baobei..." He's drifting off again, the human weight of his boyfriend against him ridiculously comforting, he really understands Cucumber-bro's attachment at the hip to his husband on a whole new level now. He just wants to hold onto Casper. For as long as he can.
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chiming
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Date: 2024-03-31 05:22 pm (UTC)From:Bob just lands on a shelf and starts tucking away for the night, giving the pair privacy. Casper's eyes flick up to where he's landed and - okay. Bob's safe. He can concentrate on Shang Beida. "You're so important to me, even though we've just met." His hand moves up to stroke the other's hair. Just the contact alone with his boyfriend is calming. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep hurting you or making you doubt or... I know everything you're saying to me is true - like, I can literally tell - but it's... hard to accept." He takes a deep breath. "That I'm not broken or wrong or sick or deluded or weak or... or too soft or too slow or an utter, miserable failure." That's what his mother had called him, among other things. And if a goddess says it, it has to be true, right?
... He knows that gods lie or have their own opinions that they treat as true. But ever since then it's felt like there's been a weight on him that he's had to fight against. "I'm not scared of you. I'm just scared for you. And I don't... know anything about relationships. The um... videos I watched... didn't cover that part." He blushes faintly - he knows he can just say 'porn', but it feels awkward! Wrong and deviant and - he takes a breath, doing his best to halt that downard spiral before it gets too deep.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 05:35 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 06:35 pm (UTC)From:"But you are a good person. I care about you and you care about me and about other people and it's just..." He's afraid. He doesn't want to lose the other but he doesn't want to push too hard. He's just scared all around. "I want to touch you... I want to hold you but I don't want to freak out and hurt you and I don't know what to do with holding someone, I don't know what even feels nice because I've never been touched nicely and I just..." His lower lip trembles, a sure sign that he's getting close to tears.
He swallows hard and tries to keep himself calm, but it's not working. "I'm just scared." His voice comes out thin and crackly, his fingers curling into the other's robe. "I know you're... more eager to jump into things and I don't want to not let you have the things you want. I just... I just don't want to do something wrong? I don't... know what I'm comfortable with because I've never tried it."
no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 06:50 pm (UTC)From:Shang Beida sits up a little, enough to wrap his arms around Casper in a way that is hopefully comforting. "I don't want to just... take things from you, baobei. I don't want anything from you if you don't want it. You're... I only want anything if you want it, just... using you for... no, that would be awful, that's not... no. We don't have to... do anything but... we can just cuddle if that's what keeps you comfortable or, or anything. I want you to have what you want, 心爱, treasure, I-- it's not that I don't, want... things... but not like-- I don't know what I'm doing either, or what I would... I mean, I've, um, like, with, myself, um, I know, um, what I... like like that, but..." His face is hot, but it's too tucked into Casper's shoulder for his blush to be visible. He can't just come out and tell his boyfriend about his masturbation habits that's embarrassing!
no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 08:31 pm (UTC)From:He's not sure what he wants right now. It's awkward and confusing and he loves this man, but he's just... lost in this kind of thing. And there's not like there's anyone here he knows who's experienced that he can ask. "I just... when we get to stuff - when, not now - we can take it slow and figure out what we both like? We're... uh. Both kind of repressed, aren't we? Or... that's not the right word but we're eager. But neither of us really know what we want."
That's... reasonable, isn't it? "I just want you to be happy. And you want me to be happy. So let's... try to make both of us happy." He leans as if to lie down, but if the other doesn't go with him he'll pull back up. "But we're both really tired right now. We... we shouldn't make decisions about that stuff now, right?"
no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 08:50 pm (UTC)From:"Repressed isn't... all the way wrong, I don't think. You had... homophobia at home and... my first life, it's illegal in China... and I've always been too... unlikable and nervous to... try anything."
"That sounds... good. Just... we can figure it out." He curls into Casper with a sigh as he lies back. "We can... definitely get some rest first. Rest is important." He can't resist, however, turning to kiss Casper. Because... boyfriend. Right there.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 08:55 pm (UTC)From:He's warm. He's safe. He doesn't need to be afraid. Despite the circumstances, this might be close to the happiest he's been in his life. It's a little terrifying, this unknown emotion - he's not sure what to do with it. He turns his head and presses a kiss to Shang Beida's jaw. "... We'll protect each other, right?"
no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 09:05 pm (UTC)From:"We will. I'll do anything to keep you safe." He almost feels believable, promising that, now that he's actually concretely saved Casper. He's not just a useless coward. He sighs and nuzzles into Casper's neck. He's warm and comfortable and held and... he doesn't think he's ever felt safer. Casper would never let anything hurt him. "我爱你， 宝贝， 我的心爱," he murmurs sleepily. He's been awake for days, and while he can do that just fine with cultivation, that and the adrenaline crash from finding Casper like that is catching up with him now that he's lying down.
["I love you, darling, my beloved"]
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Date: 2024-03-31 10:02 pm (UTC)From:Hm... "It's okay. I'm here. You can rest." He can feel himself wobbling on the edge of sleep and wakefulness. It's a little scary - he's never been good at sleeping quickly. And there's no night sky he can just stare at. "I've got you. You'll wake up and everything will be fine."
no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 10:06 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 10:11 pm (UTC)From:... Oh. ... Okay. Okay, he's - and Shang Beida is right next to him, and he's... he puts a hand over his chest, feeling his heart rate slowly starting to lower again. He's okay. They're both okay.
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Date: 2024-03-31 10:15 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 10:29 pm (UTC)From:He kisses Shang Beida's cheek and lets out a slow breath. "... Sorry for waking you, schatzi."
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Date: 2024-03-31 10:35 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 10:41 pm (UTC)From:It's not the point and he knows it, but... "You should go back to sleep." Not like he's not still exhausted, but... he's not sure if he can.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 10:54 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 11:19 pm (UTC)From:His eyes slip closed and he takes a deep breath. It's okay. It'll all be okay. His heartbeat is back to a normal pace now and he's just... glad for the attention over everything else. His body feels heavy, the adrenaline spike in it just making him feel worse. "'m not that warm, am I?" He knows he runs a little bit colder but maybe he's still warm enough? He's not sure. "... Just don't want you to be taken away..." He's happy - or close enough to it - for once in his life.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-31 11:31 pm (UTC)From:"Warmer than the boat," Shang Beida mumbles. "Warm enough... so sweet... Won't let anyone keep us apart, baobei..." He's drifting off again, the human weight of his boyfriend against him ridiculously comforting, he really understands Cucumber-bro's attachment at the hip to his husband on a whole new level now. He just wants to hold onto Casper. For as long as he can.