"I'm already... I'm happier than I ever thought I'd be. And more loved. I can't believe you love me, but I know you're not lying, even though I'm just this, and you're so amazing, and..." He presses his face into Casper's chest. "I'm so lucky."
Shang Beida is going to be completely undone if Casper keeps touching him and being nice. "Um. I... uh. I..." Does he like literally anything about himself? His writing is bad, his personality is bad, his body is low-end as cultivators go, and so are his abilities. "I... like that I make you happy? Does that count?"
"Nope. Try again." He noses at the other's hair gently, smiling a little bit. "Tell me something you like about you that has to do with you, not someone else."
Go and make it difficult, why don’t you. “Um. I… like that I can fly on a sword? I like my sword. It’s a spiritual sword so it’s like a little bit alive and it chose me so that’s sort of like liking something about me.” He’s calmed down enough now to realize that they’re both still half naked, and his thumb is now rubbing back and forth on Casper’s back, because… skin. Touch starved Airplane. “What do you like about yourself, then?” Turnabout is fair play, and Casper’s self esteem is about on par with his.
He will, thank you. And... eh, close enough. He shivers at the touch to his skin - it feels so good and he isn't sure what to do about it, so he focuses on the question. He thinks for a few long moments before he answers. It's a very personal answer, but... he's half-naked with his boyfriend on a bed - all of this is personal.
"I think... my strength. Not just physical, but... I set out to become stronger after I... failed... and I succeeded. I can't lift or jump like some other people, but I'm strong enough to do what I need to do. And I... I failed, but I haven't given up on helping people."
Shang Beida tilts his head up to kiss Casper’s jaw. “I still say you’re a hero. And that you saved me. You’re good at helping people. And you’re a good person for wanting to.” Not like him, who’s only valued his own skin for decades.
"I... I can only try. And for you I want to try." He hugs Shang Beida tightly, practically clinging to him. "You make me feel good. So please... try to not give up on yourself if you're not going to give up on me."
He hugs back, trying to be comforting. “You gave me the chance to not be Shang Qinghua, so I guess I’ll… find out who Shang Beida is now. I don’t like Shang Qinghua but… maybe I don’t know Shang Beida well enough to tell yet? Does that make sense? Sorry, that was all, weird and… I don’t know if that made sense at all.”
"No, it makes sense." He takes a deep breath and nuzzles his boyfriend gently. "You haven't been able to be yourself in a long time. You have a chance to be you now. You need some practice, that's all." It's been a long time since he's been able to not be constantly under pressure from someone, so he kind of knows the feeling.
“You make me feel like I can be anything.” Shang Beida kisses whatever part of Casper’s chest is nearest his face and sighs. “I’m just… I’m so glad about… you. I don’t know how to be around anyone else, but… you’re easy to be with.”
"You can be anything. And I could say the same about you. You make me feel... normal? If that makes sense? Like I can just be my normal nerdy weird self." It's a feeling that he hasn't felt in a long time. He misses it.
Gods, he didn't know how good he had it. Even with everything that happened to him before most of his powers were awakened... he had it better than a lot of people.
"I like your normal nerdy weird self." Shang Beida leans back to smile at Casper. "Suits my nerdy weird self. I've always been such a NEET, otaku, hikikomori, I've never really been... liked for being a nerd before. Even Cucumber-bro was a sort of... higher tier. Also, I'm pretty sure Cucumber-bro was rich, and rich people can just be like, charmingly eccentric, rather than my whole scraping poverty deal that was just sort of pathetic." Lots of instant noodles.
He knows... some of those words, but still. "Yeah, no. I get it. I was never... I mean the funeral industry brings in a lot of money but there's a lot of expenses, too. And we were independent which is even more expensive - there's a lot of secretly franchised funeral homes out there and -" Nope, gotta stop. He can explain the intricacies of funeral home economics some other time.
"... We didn't even have cable TV. Not that we couldn't afford it, but Dad just didn't really see a need for it." All the news was on the basic channels anyway, so why would they need it? He was pretty busy anyway... "But we were... I mean I was -" Was he happy? He's not sure.
He pauses and tries to collect his thoughts. "... I mean, I guess... lucky is a good word for it. I... could have been my brother." His expression darkens a little bit and he looks down, away from his boyfriend's gaze.
"...I'm glad you're not failed Nazi Captain America?" He's really not sure how to respond to that sentiment, but he's trying! "I'm not sure that's lucky, though? I mean, like, I would assume the majority of people are not failed Nazi Captain America?" Help how does he make boyfriend feel better. "There was probably like, less... pressure? No weight of the world on your shoulders, just the weight of... corpses? Sorry, no, please pretend I didn't say that, that was a terrible sentence. Um. The expectations were like, normal person things, rather than superhuman things? Which was like? Comparatively comfortable? Probably? Like, when I was trying to get chosen as Head Disciple I would get so fucking homesick for when all I had to worry about was staying up all night pounding energy drinks and writing, even though I was objectively miserable when I was doing that? Um. Please tell me to shut up I'm just saying things."
"No, it's fine." The rambling is kind of soothing? In a weird way, at least. "I mean I did have ghosts around me, but that was normal for me. But like..." Gods, how does he even say this properly? "I meant that at least i had attention and stuff from my father, even if a lot of it was negative. And I wasn't like... abandoned or forgotten."
He's not making this any better, is he? "... Basically - it could have been worse. And it wasn't. And my life wasn't normal but it was more normal than knowing the world's getting close to ending. And I wasn't really that happy either because like... I had the ghost of a serial killer whispering over my shoulder a lot, but at least he was my friend. ... Kind of."
Shang Beida hugs Casper fiercely. "I'm sorry, baobei. You should never be abandoned or forgotten or friendless or grateful for even negative attention or... you're amazing. I... I know I'm not much, but... you have me as long as I can possibly manage. If I suddenly wake up back on Cang Qiong I'll go cry at Cucumber-bro until he makes his husband use Xin Mo to open a portal so I can get back to you." He'd rather be with Casper than back in PIDW, anyway. And if he ended up in Casper's original world, then fine, he can go bully everyone there into not being shitty to his amazing boyfriend.
He doesn't understand half of that but that's fine. He gets the sentiment anyway and buries his face into Shang Beida's shoulder. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve any of this. Not this softness, not this kindness, not this... this love.
It's fine. It's fine, it's not - it's not a big deal. He feels like he's lying but it's not - it's not the same as lying even if it feels like lying and his stomach suddenly hurts and his breathing hitches and... and he's not sure what to do. He wants to yell and scream that the other's wrong or push him away or -
"I deserve it." He doesn't mean to say it, it just slips out. He freezes, suddenly terrified that Shang Beida's going to yell at him or tell him he's wrong or -
- He tries to get up but in his rush he gets tangled in his clothes and falls, whacking his arm against the side of the bed and landing in a heap on the floor. He presses his face against the ground and starts sobbing, his shoulders shaking violently.
“Fuck— shit— baobei, Casper, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you—“ Shang Beida drops to his knees on the floor next to Casper, hands fluttering around him helplessly—he doesn’t know whether he should touch him, since apparently he fucked up at hugging him—
“I’m sorry, Casper, what did I do, how do I— you deserve to be happy I— do you need me to go away am I just making it worse I don’t know how to, what to—“ He kind of feels like bursting into tears himself now, because he made his boyfriend cry.
"I don't -" Hic! "- know. I don't know, okay? I don't... I don't deserve it, I don't deserve any of your kindness, I'm a failure and an awful person and... and... and..." He trails off, curling into a ball and holding his arm. There's a mark that's definitely going to bruise later peeking through his fingers. "I don't... I'm a mistake... I'm sorry..."
He's not sure why he's saying these things or why he's suddenly so afraid. Everything feels wrong. "... And... and you're... I'm bad luck to everyone around me. I just don't want you to get hurt... you're so kind and gentle and you don't... deserve anything bad happening to you..."
He can’t fucking stand just sitting here so he drops into a kneeling position and gently tugs Casper towards his lap. If Casper really doesn’t want to, he won’t force it, but he desperately wanted to comfort him. “You’re not an awful person. You’ve been nicer to me than anyone else has ever been in my life in three worlds. And I’m only— if I’m kind and gentle to you it’s because I’m giving back what you give to me, baobei, you’re so sweet, and I don’t care if you’re bad luck, I am too, I’ve had the worst role I could have been given for decades of— being a person no one can like or respect just counting down to my inevitable murder— I’d rather die with you than without you. And anyway we’re both pretty… strong and stuff… maybe together we can save each other. I don’t… please, Casper, I don’t want you to leave me.” He might be crying a little bit. It was terrifying how fast Casper collapsed into sobs and he feels like it’s his fault he did something wrong. He always does something wrong.
"... I don't want to leave you. I don't want to - I just... I just don't want you to be upset at me..." He's still somewhat curled up but at least resting against Shang Beida. "Because... because I deserve everything... I know people say I don't but I... I clearly did something wrong. It... it just wouldn't make sense otherwise..."
Shang Beida runs his fingers through Casper's hair, hoping it's comforting. "I'm not upset at you, baobei. I don't want you to hate yourself, but I know perfectly well that saying that doesn't make it stop, and trying to, what, bully it out of you? That wouldn't do absolutely anything useful even if I was inclined to, which I'm not, I don't want to be mean to you. But 心爱, bad things do happen to good people. Not everything is... it's not a balance. You don't get bad back in like, the exact whatever you did it in, or the world wouldn't be full of like, billionaire CEOs and shit. They'd all start spontaneously bleeding from the eyes or something. Um. Fuck. I did not mean to get sidetracked, sorry. You're not... it isn't your fault. You didn't choose to be born to parents who-- sorry, baobei, but they suck and they're awful to you and I don't like them and no child deserves that. I mean I think especially not you but that's just because I'm biased because I really, really like you. I think you deserve good things and I... want to give you good things. I want to be good things for you? I want you to be happy."
"... But I love them." It's not the same kind of love, of course. Shang Beida is a kind love, someone who he cares about who cares about him. His love is safe and warm. The love he has for his parents... it's hard and cold, but it's all he has. If they don't care about him... or at least about his part to play...
He sniffles and rubs his face. Ugh... he feels like a stupid child. "I'm sorry schatzi. I don't... I don't want to make you frustrated."
Shang Beida sighs. "I know, baobei. I don't think they deserve it, or you, but I know they're still--they're your parents. I didn't-- up until I died, I didn't stop hoping my parents would... that it wouldn't be the way it was when I saw them, the way I was an unwanted imposition on their new families, meals with them more awkward and formal than with strangers." He closes his eyes and shakes his head. "Sorry, not the point, you don't need me going on about shit that hasn't mattered since I died." He leans down and kisses Casper's forehead. "I'm not going to be mad at you for having emotions, baobei. Or for caring about people. Even people I don't think deserve you." He pulls Casper a little closer and up to where he can wrap his arms around him a little. "I don't want you to feel like you have to hide from me. If you need me to shut up about not liking them I... well okay realistically I'm not good at shutting up about literally anything, but I can try anyway."
"No, it's... it's okay. I know they don't care about me. I know they hurt me. I just can't... shake those feelings. I can't stop loving them just like that." It's going to be a difficult and painful process, and he knows that much already. He uncurls slightly and sighs, trying to get himself in check.
"We should... um. Probably go get showered. We're still kind of..." Yeah. ... He'll deal with the bruises later. "... I just... I just want to make you happy."
Shang Beida keeps running fingers through his boyfriend’s hair. “You do make me happy. And I want you to be happy too. You… no one has ever cared about me like you do.” He looks down at where Casper is still holding his banged arm. “You should heal your arm before it gets worse, baobei.”
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Shang Beida is going to be completely undone if Casper keeps touching him and being nice. "Um. I... uh. I..." Does he like literally anything about himself? His writing is bad, his personality is bad, his body is low-end as cultivators go, and so are his abilities. "I... like that I make you happy? Does that count?"
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"I think... my strength. Not just physical, but... I set out to become stronger after I... failed... and I succeeded. I can't lift or jump like some other people, but I'm strong enough to do what I need to do. And I... I failed, but I haven't given up on helping people."
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Gods, he didn't know how good he had it. Even with everything that happened to him before most of his powers were awakened... he had it better than a lot of people.
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"... We didn't even have cable TV. Not that we couldn't afford it, but Dad just didn't really see a need for it." All the news was on the basic channels anyway, so why would they need it? He was pretty busy anyway... "But we were... I mean I was -" Was he happy? He's not sure.
He pauses and tries to collect his thoughts. "... I mean, I guess... lucky is a good word for it. I... could have been my brother." His expression darkens a little bit and he looks down, away from his boyfriend's gaze.
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He's not making this any better, is he? "... Basically - it could have been worse. And it wasn't. And my life wasn't normal but it was more normal than knowing the world's getting close to ending. And I wasn't really that happy either because like... I had the ghost of a serial killer whispering over my shoulder a lot, but at least he was my friend. ... Kind of."
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It's fine. It's fine, it's not - it's not a big deal. He feels like he's lying but it's not - it's not the same as lying even if it feels like lying and his stomach suddenly hurts and his breathing hitches and... and he's not sure what to do. He wants to yell and scream that the other's wrong or push him away or -
"I deserve it." He doesn't mean to say it, it just slips out. He freezes, suddenly terrified that Shang Beida's going to yell at him or tell him he's wrong or -
- He tries to get up but in his rush he gets tangled in his clothes and falls, whacking his arm against the side of the bed and landing in a heap on the floor. He presses his face against the ground and starts sobbing, his shoulders shaking violently.
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“I’m sorry, Casper, what did I do, how do I— you deserve to be happy I— do you need me to go away am I just making it worse I don’t know how to, what to—“ He kind of feels like bursting into tears himself now, because he made his boyfriend cry.
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He's not sure why he's saying these things or why he's suddenly so afraid. Everything feels wrong. "... And... and you're... I'm bad luck to everyone around me. I just don't want you to get hurt... you're so kind and gentle and you don't... deserve anything bad happening to you..."
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He sniffles and rubs his face. Ugh... he feels like a stupid child. "I'm sorry schatzi. I don't... I don't want to make you frustrated."
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"We should... um. Probably go get showered. We're still kind of..." Yeah. ... He'll deal with the bruises later. "... I just... I just want to make you happy."
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