"You're not scum. Come on, Shang Beida. You... you're fantastic. I don't - I don't deserve you. But darling, schatzi... please. Please. Just talk to me. I'm here. I've got you. I'm here." He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to make his boyfriend feel any better. He feels like a failure.
Casper is begging and wow that feels even worse! Cool! Thanks for having some kind of fucking episode and upsetting your boyfriend, Airplane!
He desperately doesn’t want Casper to feel unwanted, so he forces himself to stop holding his arms tense at his sides—and as soon as he wraps them around Casper he’s crushing the younger man against him, holding on too tight, and he can’t help it. His breathing is ragged and his face stays in the other’s shoulder.
Casper is here and cares about him and he’s allowed to touch him and he likes him somehow and— that feels the most like a lie of anything. “I’m a traitor. People died because of my traitor crimes. I betrayed my sect and my martial siblings. Repeatedly and continuously. If Zhangmen-shixiong wasn’t stopping them at least one of them would have killed me by now. Probably Liu-shidi. And I would deserve it.” Casper needs to understand what he is.
He doesn't mind the crushing hug - at least it's attention, at least it's affection. He picks the other up gently and pulls him into his lap. "Hey. You wouldn't deserve it. People... people have died because of me. Children have died because of me. Do you think I deserve to die for it?"
Despite what he feels himself, he knows what Shang Beida's answer is going to be. "We all make mistakes. We all do things that... are fucked up. But you deserve a second chance. You deserve to be happy." He presses a kiss to the side of the other's head. "You're the most wonderful person I've ever met. ... And I know you haven't been lying. I know you care about me. I know you want better things for me, so why can't I want better things for you?"
“Of course you don’t deserve to die. Never.” He curls into Casper’s chest, being held in his lap more comforting than he has any right to.
“‘m not wonderful.” But he sounds almost sulky, now, instead of hysterical. “You’re wonderful.” The soft brush of lips against his head is undoing him. “You’re too nice to me.” His arms loosen a little, to a more normal strength of hug, and his face presses into Casper’s neck. “I’m not— I can’t— I don’t want you to think I’m untrustworthy scum too. Even though I am.”
"I could say the same thing about myself." He brushes his fingers through his boyfriend's hair, trying to calm him. "I'm here for you. I'm here. You're going to be okay." He doesn't want to push, but it's so hard to know what to do. He settles for just staying quiet and holding the other.
He would rather be quiet than hurt him by saying something accidentally cruel.
“You’re not untrustworthy scum, you’re a hero. You protect people.” He feels terrible about making Casper comfort him. “I’m sorry, baobei, I don’t know what— why I’m— being like this.” He nuzzles into the younger man’s neck a little, the human touch incredibly comforting. The fingers in his hair are amazing and he never wants Casper to stop, he’s melting a little bit. “I know you wouldn’t hurt me.”
"... You're a hero to me." He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. He doesn't feel like a hero... and he just wants Shang Beida to feel okay again. "You were hurt. By a lot of things. Maybe a lot of people, too. ... It's understandable that you feel like this. You didn't blame me when I had my own freakouts..."
“I’ve never been anybody’s hero before.” He hugs Casper closer for a moment. “…love you, baobei. Of course I’d never blame you for… for anything really. I just, I don’t know why I… it’s not like I usually have some kind of fucking fit when I think someone is mad at me or is going to hurt me, I’d never get anything done.”
"You care for me, you understand me, you love me. How can you not be a hero to me?" He keeps moving his fingers through the older man's hair, taking deep breaths to try to get Shang Beida to calm down a little. "I don't think emotions or... whatever this is - trauma? - cares about whether or not you want to get things done or not or whether or not you're ready for it or whether or not it's a convenient time. I think it just happens."
He pulls back so he can look Shang Beida in the eyes, his gaze calm and soft. "You know that I'd never hurt you on purpose. I know you'd never hurt me on purpose either. ... So it's okay. You don't have to be strong all the time. You can be... you can just be you, with all of the emotions and baggage that you have with you."
The tension is steadily ebbing out of Shang Beida's body and he relaxes into the hair petting. "Ridiculous of me to be traumatized. Nothing that bad has happened to me."
Casper is so earnest and sweet and... just, fucking perfect. How the fuck did he manage to luck into this. "I trust you. I... I don't know why you want to... put up with my bullshit, but... I know you're-- I can-- rely on you."
"... You talked about people hitting you. For everything that he did to me my father never really touched me. And yet you still think what he did to me was bad, right?" Soft lips brush the top of the other's head, tucking him under his chin.
Rely on him. Someone can - wants to - rely on him. It makes his heart beat faster and he takes a deep breath. "I trust you too. You deserve the world, even if you don't think you do."
"Well, yeah, but it's not like-- child abuse is different from just, cultivators are violent and demons are violent? I'm sure my king backhands all of his servants into walls, I'm just more annoying and more consistently personally interacting with him! And I'm an adult cultivator, it's not like he did like, real damage!"
Oh... Casper's lips press against his head and Shang Beida melts into his chest. Tenderness is really not something he ever though he'd have the chance to experience.
"I'm-- thank you. For trusting me. I'm not... a very trustworthy person, I know that, Cucumber-bro once said I reminded him of a used car salesman, but I just... I'd give you the world if I could. If I could make one on purpose instead of by incompetent accident I'd make a perfect one for you." Being held continues to feel just, unrealistically amazing. Casper's legs are bony and his chest is cool but Shang Beida is still the warmest and most comfortable he's ever been.
"It's still not okay. Him hurting you still isn't okay." Shang Beida deserves kindness and tenderness, not violence. "... I would want you there in that world with me. You deserve perfection too. You deserve to be happy and free and to be so, so loved."
He rubs the other's back, pressing firmly without being painful. "... Mm. Do me a favor. Tell me one thing you like about yourself."
"I'm already... I'm happier than I ever thought I'd be. And more loved. I can't believe you love me, but I know you're not lying, even though I'm just this, and you're so amazing, and..." He presses his face into Casper's chest. "I'm so lucky."
Shang Beida is going to be completely undone if Casper keeps touching him and being nice. "Um. I... uh. I..." Does he like literally anything about himself? His writing is bad, his personality is bad, his body is low-end as cultivators go, and so are his abilities. "I... like that I make you happy? Does that count?"
"Nope. Try again." He noses at the other's hair gently, smiling a little bit. "Tell me something you like about you that has to do with you, not someone else."
Go and make it difficult, why don’t you. “Um. I… like that I can fly on a sword? I like my sword. It’s a spiritual sword so it’s like a little bit alive and it chose me so that’s sort of like liking something about me.” He’s calmed down enough now to realize that they’re both still half naked, and his thumb is now rubbing back and forth on Casper’s back, because… skin. Touch starved Airplane. “What do you like about yourself, then?” Turnabout is fair play, and Casper’s self esteem is about on par with his.
He will, thank you. And... eh, close enough. He shivers at the touch to his skin - it feels so good and he isn't sure what to do about it, so he focuses on the question. He thinks for a few long moments before he answers. It's a very personal answer, but... he's half-naked with his boyfriend on a bed - all of this is personal.
"I think... my strength. Not just physical, but... I set out to become stronger after I... failed... and I succeeded. I can't lift or jump like some other people, but I'm strong enough to do what I need to do. And I... I failed, but I haven't given up on helping people."
Shang Beida tilts his head up to kiss Casper’s jaw. “I still say you’re a hero. And that you saved me. You’re good at helping people. And you’re a good person for wanting to.” Not like him, who’s only valued his own skin for decades.
"I... I can only try. And for you I want to try." He hugs Shang Beida tightly, practically clinging to him. "You make me feel good. So please... try to not give up on yourself if you're not going to give up on me."
He hugs back, trying to be comforting. “You gave me the chance to not be Shang Qinghua, so I guess I’ll… find out who Shang Beida is now. I don’t like Shang Qinghua but… maybe I don’t know Shang Beida well enough to tell yet? Does that make sense? Sorry, that was all, weird and… I don’t know if that made sense at all.”
"No, it makes sense." He takes a deep breath and nuzzles his boyfriend gently. "You haven't been able to be yourself in a long time. You have a chance to be you now. You need some practice, that's all." It's been a long time since he's been able to not be constantly under pressure from someone, so he kind of knows the feeling.
“You make me feel like I can be anything.” Shang Beida kisses whatever part of Casper’s chest is nearest his face and sighs. “I’m just… I’m so glad about… you. I don’t know how to be around anyone else, but… you’re easy to be with.”
"You can be anything. And I could say the same about you. You make me feel... normal? If that makes sense? Like I can just be my normal nerdy weird self." It's a feeling that he hasn't felt in a long time. He misses it.
Gods, he didn't know how good he had it. Even with everything that happened to him before most of his powers were awakened... he had it better than a lot of people.
"I like your normal nerdy weird self." Shang Beida leans back to smile at Casper. "Suits my nerdy weird self. I've always been such a NEET, otaku, hikikomori, I've never really been... liked for being a nerd before. Even Cucumber-bro was a sort of... higher tier. Also, I'm pretty sure Cucumber-bro was rich, and rich people can just be like, charmingly eccentric, rather than my whole scraping poverty deal that was just sort of pathetic." Lots of instant noodles.
He knows... some of those words, but still. "Yeah, no. I get it. I was never... I mean the funeral industry brings in a lot of money but there's a lot of expenses, too. And we were independent which is even more expensive - there's a lot of secretly franchised funeral homes out there and -" Nope, gotta stop. He can explain the intricacies of funeral home economics some other time.
"... We didn't even have cable TV. Not that we couldn't afford it, but Dad just didn't really see a need for it." All the news was on the basic channels anyway, so why would they need it? He was pretty busy anyway... "But we were... I mean I was -" Was he happy? He's not sure.
He pauses and tries to collect his thoughts. "... I mean, I guess... lucky is a good word for it. I... could have been my brother." His expression darkens a little bit and he looks down, away from his boyfriend's gaze.
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He desperately doesn’t want Casper to feel unwanted, so he forces himself to stop holding his arms tense at his sides—and as soon as he wraps them around Casper he’s crushing the younger man against him, holding on too tight, and he can’t help it. His breathing is ragged and his face stays in the other’s shoulder.
Casper is here and cares about him and he’s allowed to touch him and he likes him somehow and— that feels the most like a lie of anything. “I’m a traitor. People died because of my traitor crimes. I betrayed my sect and my martial siblings. Repeatedly and continuously. If Zhangmen-shixiong wasn’t stopping them at least one of them would have killed me by now. Probably Liu-shidi. And I would deserve it.” Casper needs to understand what he is.
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Despite what he feels himself, he knows what Shang Beida's answer is going to be. "We all make mistakes. We all do things that... are fucked up. But you deserve a second chance. You deserve to be happy." He presses a kiss to the side of the other's head. "You're the most wonderful person I've ever met. ... And I know you haven't been lying. I know you care about me. I know you want better things for me, so why can't I want better things for you?"
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“‘m not wonderful.” But he sounds almost sulky, now, instead of hysterical. “You’re wonderful.” The soft brush of lips against his head is undoing him. “You’re too nice to me.” His arms loosen a little, to a more normal strength of hug, and his face presses into Casper’s neck. “I’m not— I can’t— I don’t want you to think I’m untrustworthy scum too. Even though I am.”
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He would rather be quiet than hurt him by saying something accidentally cruel.
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He pulls back so he can look Shang Beida in the eyes, his gaze calm and soft. "You know that I'd never hurt you on purpose. I know you'd never hurt me on purpose either. ... So it's okay. You don't have to be strong all the time. You can be... you can just be you, with all of the emotions and baggage that you have with you."
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Casper is so earnest and sweet and... just, fucking perfect. How the fuck did he manage to luck into this. "I trust you. I... I don't know why you want to... put up with my bullshit, but... I know you're-- I can-- rely on you."
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Rely on him. Someone can - wants to - rely on him. It makes his heart beat faster and he takes a deep breath. "I trust you too. You deserve the world, even if you don't think you do."
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Oh... Casper's lips press against his head and Shang Beida melts into his chest. Tenderness is really not something he ever though he'd have the chance to experience.
"I'm-- thank you. For trusting me. I'm not... a very trustworthy person, I know that, Cucumber-bro once said I reminded him of a used car salesman, but I just... I'd give you the world if I could. If I could make one on purpose instead of by incompetent accident I'd make a perfect one for you." Being held continues to feel just, unrealistically amazing. Casper's legs are bony and his chest is cool but Shang Beida is still the warmest and most comfortable he's ever been.
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He rubs the other's back, pressing firmly without being painful. "... Mm. Do me a favor. Tell me one thing you like about yourself."
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Shang Beida is going to be completely undone if Casper keeps touching him and being nice. "Um. I... uh. I..." Does he like literally anything about himself? His writing is bad, his personality is bad, his body is low-end as cultivators go, and so are his abilities. "I... like that I make you happy? Does that count?"
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"I think... my strength. Not just physical, but... I set out to become stronger after I... failed... and I succeeded. I can't lift or jump like some other people, but I'm strong enough to do what I need to do. And I... I failed, but I haven't given up on helping people."
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Gods, he didn't know how good he had it. Even with everything that happened to him before most of his powers were awakened... he had it better than a lot of people.
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"... We didn't even have cable TV. Not that we couldn't afford it, but Dad just didn't really see a need for it." All the news was on the basic channels anyway, so why would they need it? He was pretty busy anyway... "But we were... I mean I was -" Was he happy? He's not sure.
He pauses and tries to collect his thoughts. "... I mean, I guess... lucky is a good word for it. I... could have been my brother." His expression darkens a little bit and he looks down, away from his boyfriend's gaze.
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