"I feel real. Realer than usual, even. Because I didn't write you, you're a whole person who isn't from my shitty stallion novel, and I'm still here. And I can reach out and touch you." He threads his fingers into Casper's hair, playing with the blond strands.
"Mm. And I want you to take care of yourself, so I guess that means I gotta too." He can cultivate, he could go months without eating or anything, even if he doesn't prefer to, but Casper sounds like he suffers more from going without, even though he can.
He presses his face into Casper's shoulder and squeezes him tight for a moment, then sighs and disentangles himself. "Food first, or showers? Oh, with the room assignments, we might even be able to take showers that are like... not in that giant open decontamination-ass thing. Normal private bathroom showers." He bites back a comment about saving water. He is Not Moving Too Fast, and he doubts Casper is ready for that.
The hand in his hair makes him melt, eyes closing and going practically boneless against his boyfriend. That feels so nice... it's just the simple touches that are making him weak.
"We should probably shower. Before uh... someone with a good sense of smell picks up on... what we've been doing." His face flushes a little at the thought, but... yeah. He sits up carefully and rolls his shoulders back, doing his best to stretch carefully.
He is definitely not ready for the Saving Water bit, no. Let him get over his issue with having his pants off first, thank you. "I can uh... smell it. It's uh... kind of obvious what we've been up to. Not to mention..." He puts a hand on his neck, rubbing the bruises there. He could heal them, but... he's not sure if it would be offensive or something to do so?
He really just wants to spend all his time experimenting with how Casper likes different ways of being touched, but probably other things are also important. He's definitely playing with Casper's hair again later, though.
Shang Beida blinks and sniffs. "Huh. Yeah, I guess you can smell that." And presumably at least one of the motley crew on the boat would be able to identify the smell.
As for the bruises... okay, he is a little bit sad about the idea of Casper healing those away. He knows it wouldn't actually mean that his boyfriend is ashamed of him, just that Casper is shy and private and also used to homophobia, but... still. And he likes seeing marks he left, so sue him! It's hot! That's his boyfriend who kisses him! He doesn't want to be weird about it, though, so he doesn't say anything. If Casper isn't comfortable with them, that's. It's fine. Casper being comfortable is more important than his caveman hindbrain that wants to plant a flag so everyone knows Casper is with him.
"... I don't - I don't know if... sorry." He turns away, slumping and trying to think of what to do. "... Sorry. I just..." He can't stop apologizing - he could make a joke about him being too Canadian, but it doesn't feel like the right time for jokes.
How to even explain it? "I don't want to make you upset. I just... I don't deserve -" He stops himself there. Doesn't deserve what? A boyfriend? To be kissed? ... To be loved? Even if he feels that way - and he does - it's not the right thing to say. "I'm just scared." Of what, he's not sure. He presses his face into his palm, taking a breath.
"I - I keep imagining the things that my group back home would say. What my parents would say. And I know that it... it shouldn't matter. That what they say shouldn't matter, because they're mean to me. But I can't just... shut off caring about them."
“Hey, no, baobei, don’t apologize, it’s okay. I don’t want you to do— anything you’re not comfortable with. And you deserve everything, you’re amazing, you’re the best thing in any world, and I just want you to be happy. And I know I’m—I’m not good at making people happy but I, the last thing I want is for you to be unhappy because you’re trying to do something for me. And I know you can’t shut off, like, I can say like fuck those people they don’t deserve you and if they’re mean to you they’re terrible and they can go jump off a cliff, but I know that doesn’t help, and I just… 我爱你我的心爱, you’re… everything. I don’t want— just, whatever makes you comfortable, baobei. Don’t worry about me.” He’s not the one who matters. And the idea of caring if his feelings are hurt is laughable. And it’s not like it’s a big deal. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t really mean Casper is ashamed of him, and even if it did, he wouldn’t really care, would he, as long as he still— like, he could live with being a dirty little secret, if it meant being loved. Someone caring about him, someone wanting him, being kind to him, is already more than he ever thought he’d have. It’s fine.
He reaches over and takes the other's hand carefully, doing his best to breathe calmly. "I do worry about you. For multiple reasons. And you're good at making me happy." Their earlier... adventure... was proof enough of that. "So you know that's a lie, schatzi."
There's a slight frown on Casper's face - it's always irritating to be lied to, even if he knows that Shang Beida doesn't mean to hurt him. "I want you to be happy, too. I want to hold you and kiss you and do anything that makes you happy. Even if it scares me a little, I... I know you would never want to hurt me." The older man's seen Casper have an episode or two already. If he hasn't run away yet... maybe he really will stay.
"I don't... the only person I really want to hurt is Caspian, but he's not part of the group anymore. The rest of them... I would care if they got hurt, even if they didn't care if I got hurt." Even Red, whose devotion to Communism was so serious that he and Casper got into fights about it. ... It's a little ironic now considering where Shang Beida is from. "Like, I could say that my mother doesn't deserve to rule her realm anymore but I would stop someone if they tried to overthrow her."
It's... it's actually painful and difficult to try to even think about going against them.
"I'm-- it's not-- no one except you has ever been happy because of me, unless you count the people who liked reading my shitty novel, and that's not the same as like, interpersonal... social... like, I'm not good at people! Even if I understand someone's motivations I'm too awkward to effectively do anything about it! I'm not, lying, not-- no one else has ever looked at me like you do." He scrubs his free hand over his face. He knows he's sleazy scum but he doesn't want to be an untrustworthy liar in Casper's eyes too. "I've never been able to make anyone like me until you. Even if you-- it doesn't mean I'm not bad at something if it works one of the ten thousand times I've tried!"
"The last thing I ever want is to hurt you. I'd rather--" it's probably not productive to list how much less he values himself than Casper. Casper doesn't like it when he does that. He changes tacks. "Just... you're important. You being happy is important. You not being hurt is the most important--" He swallows. And Casper looks kind of annoyed at him, and he doesn't know how to fix that either.
He could say something useless about them not deserving Casper's loyalty, but that wouldn't do either of them any good, would it? "You deserve better," is what he eventually manages, his voice a little quiet. Casper is still holding onto his hand, still-- he doesn't know why he feels like something is about to collapse onto him, some looming disaster, like everything is going to explode. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to focus on breathing normally. It's fine. Nothing is happening. There aren't even any monsters here. And the cool hand against his would never backhand him into a wall. Even if he upset him. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. He's happy, right? He was happy. He doesn't know where it went.
"... I'm not good at people either." He leans in and presses a kiss to the other's forehead. "I don't want you to get hurt either. And... I'm not - you keep looking at me like you think I'm mad at you. I'm not -"
Oh. His breathing, his eyes... he gently puts his arms around Shang Beida. He keeps his grip loose so he can escape if he wants to. "Hey. I've got you. I've got you and I never want to hurt you. ... I'm here. Come back to me, schatzi. Ich liebe dich und ich möchte, dass es dir gut geht."
"I know I'm scum but I'm-- I wouldn't lie to you. Never to you." His voice is shaky and he lets himself be held, resting his forehead on the other's shoulder so he doesn't have to look at him. "But I'm always going to be--sleazy scum traitor hack. I'm sorry, I'm--you deserve better." He's still tense, bowstring-taut, hands fisted, not reaching out.
"You're not scum. Come on, Shang Beida. You... you're fantastic. I don't - I don't deserve you. But darling, schatzi... please. Please. Just talk to me. I'm here. I've got you. I'm here." He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to make his boyfriend feel any better. He feels like a failure.
Casper is begging and wow that feels even worse! Cool! Thanks for having some kind of fucking episode and upsetting your boyfriend, Airplane!
He desperately doesn’t want Casper to feel unwanted, so he forces himself to stop holding his arms tense at his sides—and as soon as he wraps them around Casper he’s crushing the younger man against him, holding on too tight, and he can’t help it. His breathing is ragged and his face stays in the other’s shoulder.
Casper is here and cares about him and he’s allowed to touch him and he likes him somehow and— that feels the most like a lie of anything. “I’m a traitor. People died because of my traitor crimes. I betrayed my sect and my martial siblings. Repeatedly and continuously. If Zhangmen-shixiong wasn’t stopping them at least one of them would have killed me by now. Probably Liu-shidi. And I would deserve it.” Casper needs to understand what he is.
He doesn't mind the crushing hug - at least it's attention, at least it's affection. He picks the other up gently and pulls him into his lap. "Hey. You wouldn't deserve it. People... people have died because of me. Children have died because of me. Do you think I deserve to die for it?"
Despite what he feels himself, he knows what Shang Beida's answer is going to be. "We all make mistakes. We all do things that... are fucked up. But you deserve a second chance. You deserve to be happy." He presses a kiss to the side of the other's head. "You're the most wonderful person I've ever met. ... And I know you haven't been lying. I know you care about me. I know you want better things for me, so why can't I want better things for you?"
“Of course you don’t deserve to die. Never.” He curls into Casper’s chest, being held in his lap more comforting than he has any right to.
“‘m not wonderful.” But he sounds almost sulky, now, instead of hysterical. “You’re wonderful.” The soft brush of lips against his head is undoing him. “You’re too nice to me.” His arms loosen a little, to a more normal strength of hug, and his face presses into Casper’s neck. “I’m not— I can’t— I don’t want you to think I’m untrustworthy scum too. Even though I am.”
"I could say the same thing about myself." He brushes his fingers through his boyfriend's hair, trying to calm him. "I'm here for you. I'm here. You're going to be okay." He doesn't want to push, but it's so hard to know what to do. He settles for just staying quiet and holding the other.
He would rather be quiet than hurt him by saying something accidentally cruel.
“You’re not untrustworthy scum, you’re a hero. You protect people.” He feels terrible about making Casper comfort him. “I’m sorry, baobei, I don’t know what— why I’m— being like this.” He nuzzles into the younger man’s neck a little, the human touch incredibly comforting. The fingers in his hair are amazing and he never wants Casper to stop, he’s melting a little bit. “I know you wouldn’t hurt me.”
"... You're a hero to me." He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. He doesn't feel like a hero... and he just wants Shang Beida to feel okay again. "You were hurt. By a lot of things. Maybe a lot of people, too. ... It's understandable that you feel like this. You didn't blame me when I had my own freakouts..."
“I’ve never been anybody’s hero before.” He hugs Casper closer for a moment. “…love you, baobei. Of course I’d never blame you for… for anything really. I just, I don’t know why I… it’s not like I usually have some kind of fucking fit when I think someone is mad at me or is going to hurt me, I’d never get anything done.”
"You care for me, you understand me, you love me. How can you not be a hero to me?" He keeps moving his fingers through the older man's hair, taking deep breaths to try to get Shang Beida to calm down a little. "I don't think emotions or... whatever this is - trauma? - cares about whether or not you want to get things done or not or whether or not you're ready for it or whether or not it's a convenient time. I think it just happens."
He pulls back so he can look Shang Beida in the eyes, his gaze calm and soft. "You know that I'd never hurt you on purpose. I know you'd never hurt me on purpose either. ... So it's okay. You don't have to be strong all the time. You can be... you can just be you, with all of the emotions and baggage that you have with you."
The tension is steadily ebbing out of Shang Beida's body and he relaxes into the hair petting. "Ridiculous of me to be traumatized. Nothing that bad has happened to me."
Casper is so earnest and sweet and... just, fucking perfect. How the fuck did he manage to luck into this. "I trust you. I... I don't know why you want to... put up with my bullshit, but... I know you're-- I can-- rely on you."
"... You talked about people hitting you. For everything that he did to me my father never really touched me. And yet you still think what he did to me was bad, right?" Soft lips brush the top of the other's head, tucking him under his chin.
Rely on him. Someone can - wants to - rely on him. It makes his heart beat faster and he takes a deep breath. "I trust you too. You deserve the world, even if you don't think you do."
"Well, yeah, but it's not like-- child abuse is different from just, cultivators are violent and demons are violent? I'm sure my king backhands all of his servants into walls, I'm just more annoying and more consistently personally interacting with him! And I'm an adult cultivator, it's not like he did like, real damage!"
Oh... Casper's lips press against his head and Shang Beida melts into his chest. Tenderness is really not something he ever though he'd have the chance to experience.
"I'm-- thank you. For trusting me. I'm not... a very trustworthy person, I know that, Cucumber-bro once said I reminded him of a used car salesman, but I just... I'd give you the world if I could. If I could make one on purpose instead of by incompetent accident I'd make a perfect one for you." Being held continues to feel just, unrealistically amazing. Casper's legs are bony and his chest is cool but Shang Beida is still the warmest and most comfortable he's ever been.
"It's still not okay. Him hurting you still isn't okay." Shang Beida deserves kindness and tenderness, not violence. "... I would want you there in that world with me. You deserve perfection too. You deserve to be happy and free and to be so, so loved."
He rubs the other's back, pressing firmly without being painful. "... Mm. Do me a favor. Tell me one thing you like about yourself."
"I'm already... I'm happier than I ever thought I'd be. And more loved. I can't believe you love me, but I know you're not lying, even though I'm just this, and you're so amazing, and..." He presses his face into Casper's chest. "I'm so lucky."
Shang Beida is going to be completely undone if Casper keeps touching him and being nice. "Um. I... uh. I..." Does he like literally anything about himself? His writing is bad, his personality is bad, his body is low-end as cultivators go, and so are his abilities. "I... like that I make you happy? Does that count?"
"Nope. Try again." He noses at the other's hair gently, smiling a little bit. "Tell me something you like about you that has to do with you, not someone else."
Go and make it difficult, why don’t you. “Um. I… like that I can fly on a sword? I like my sword. It’s a spiritual sword so it’s like a little bit alive and it chose me so that’s sort of like liking something about me.” He’s calmed down enough now to realize that they’re both still half naked, and his thumb is now rubbing back and forth on Casper’s back, because… skin. Touch starved Airplane. “What do you like about yourself, then?” Turnabout is fair play, and Casper’s self esteem is about on par with his.
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"Mm. And I want you to take care of yourself, so I guess that means I gotta too." He can cultivate, he could go months without eating or anything, even if he doesn't prefer to, but Casper sounds like he suffers more from going without, even though he can.
He presses his face into Casper's shoulder and squeezes him tight for a moment, then sighs and disentangles himself. "Food first, or showers? Oh, with the room assignments, we might even be able to take showers that are like... not in that giant open decontamination-ass thing. Normal private bathroom showers." He bites back a comment about saving water. He is Not Moving Too Fast, and he doubts Casper is ready for that.
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"We should probably shower. Before uh... someone with a good sense of smell picks up on... what we've been doing." His face flushes a little at the thought, but... yeah. He sits up carefully and rolls his shoulders back, doing his best to stretch carefully.
He is definitely not ready for the Saving Water bit, no. Let him get over his issue with having his pants off first, thank you. "I can uh... smell it. It's uh... kind of obvious what we've been up to. Not to mention..." He puts a hand on his neck, rubbing the bruises there. He could heal them, but... he's not sure if it would be offensive or something to do so?
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Shang Beida blinks and sniffs. "Huh. Yeah, I guess you can smell that." And presumably at least one of the motley crew on the boat would be able to identify the smell.
As for the bruises... okay, he is a little bit sad about the idea of Casper healing those away. He knows it wouldn't actually mean that his boyfriend is ashamed of him, just that Casper is shy and private and also used to homophobia, but... still. And he likes seeing marks he left, so sue him! It's hot! That's his boyfriend who kisses him! He doesn't want to be weird about it, though, so he doesn't say anything. If Casper isn't comfortable with them, that's. It's fine. Casper being comfortable is more important than his caveman hindbrain that wants to plant a flag so everyone knows Casper is with him.
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How to even explain it? "I don't want to make you upset. I just... I don't deserve -" He stops himself there. Doesn't deserve what? A boyfriend? To be kissed? ... To be loved? Even if he feels that way - and he does - it's not the right thing to say. "I'm just scared." Of what, he's not sure. He presses his face into his palm, taking a breath.
"I - I keep imagining the things that my group back home would say. What my parents would say. And I know that it... it shouldn't matter. That what they say shouldn't matter, because they're mean to me. But I can't just... shut off caring about them."
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There's a slight frown on Casper's face - it's always irritating to be lied to, even if he knows that Shang Beida doesn't mean to hurt him. "I want you to be happy, too. I want to hold you and kiss you and do anything that makes you happy. Even if it scares me a little, I... I know you would never want to hurt me." The older man's seen Casper have an episode or two already. If he hasn't run away yet... maybe he really will stay.
"I don't... the only person I really want to hurt is Caspian, but he's not part of the group anymore. The rest of them... I would care if they got hurt, even if they didn't care if I got hurt." Even Red, whose devotion to Communism was so serious that he and Casper got into fights about it. ... It's a little ironic now considering where Shang Beida is from. "Like, I could say that my mother doesn't deserve to rule her realm anymore but I would stop someone if they tried to overthrow her."
It's... it's actually painful and difficult to try to even think about going against them.
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"The last thing I ever want is to hurt you. I'd rather--" it's probably not productive to list how much less he values himself than Casper. Casper doesn't like it when he does that. He changes tacks. "Just... you're important. You being happy is important. You not being hurt is the most important--" He swallows. And Casper looks kind of annoyed at him, and he doesn't know how to fix that either.
He could say something useless about them not deserving Casper's loyalty, but that wouldn't do either of them any good, would it? "You deserve better," is what he eventually manages, his voice a little quiet. Casper is still holding onto his hand, still-- he doesn't know why he feels like something is about to collapse onto him, some looming disaster, like everything is going to explode. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to focus on breathing normally. It's fine. Nothing is happening. There aren't even any monsters here. And the cool hand against his would never backhand him into a wall. Even if he upset him. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. He's happy, right? He was happy. He doesn't know where it went.
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Oh. His breathing, his eyes... he gently puts his arms around Shang Beida. He keeps his grip loose so he can escape if he wants to. "Hey. I've got you. I've got you and I never want to hurt you. ... I'm here. Come back to me, schatzi. Ich liebe dich und ich möchte, dass es dir gut geht."
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He desperately doesn’t want Casper to feel unwanted, so he forces himself to stop holding his arms tense at his sides—and as soon as he wraps them around Casper he’s crushing the younger man against him, holding on too tight, and he can’t help it. His breathing is ragged and his face stays in the other’s shoulder.
Casper is here and cares about him and he’s allowed to touch him and he likes him somehow and— that feels the most like a lie of anything. “I’m a traitor. People died because of my traitor crimes. I betrayed my sect and my martial siblings. Repeatedly and continuously. If Zhangmen-shixiong wasn’t stopping them at least one of them would have killed me by now. Probably Liu-shidi. And I would deserve it.” Casper needs to understand what he is.
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Despite what he feels himself, he knows what Shang Beida's answer is going to be. "We all make mistakes. We all do things that... are fucked up. But you deserve a second chance. You deserve to be happy." He presses a kiss to the side of the other's head. "You're the most wonderful person I've ever met. ... And I know you haven't been lying. I know you care about me. I know you want better things for me, so why can't I want better things for you?"
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“‘m not wonderful.” But he sounds almost sulky, now, instead of hysterical. “You’re wonderful.” The soft brush of lips against his head is undoing him. “You’re too nice to me.” His arms loosen a little, to a more normal strength of hug, and his face presses into Casper’s neck. “I’m not— I can’t— I don’t want you to think I’m untrustworthy scum too. Even though I am.”
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He would rather be quiet than hurt him by saying something accidentally cruel.
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He pulls back so he can look Shang Beida in the eyes, his gaze calm and soft. "You know that I'd never hurt you on purpose. I know you'd never hurt me on purpose either. ... So it's okay. You don't have to be strong all the time. You can be... you can just be you, with all of the emotions and baggage that you have with you."
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Casper is so earnest and sweet and... just, fucking perfect. How the fuck did he manage to luck into this. "I trust you. I... I don't know why you want to... put up with my bullshit, but... I know you're-- I can-- rely on you."
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Rely on him. Someone can - wants to - rely on him. It makes his heart beat faster and he takes a deep breath. "I trust you too. You deserve the world, even if you don't think you do."
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Oh... Casper's lips press against his head and Shang Beida melts into his chest. Tenderness is really not something he ever though he'd have the chance to experience.
"I'm-- thank you. For trusting me. I'm not... a very trustworthy person, I know that, Cucumber-bro once said I reminded him of a used car salesman, but I just... I'd give you the world if I could. If I could make one on purpose instead of by incompetent accident I'd make a perfect one for you." Being held continues to feel just, unrealistically amazing. Casper's legs are bony and his chest is cool but Shang Beida is still the warmest and most comfortable he's ever been.
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He rubs the other's back, pressing firmly without being painful. "... Mm. Do me a favor. Tell me one thing you like about yourself."
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Shang Beida is going to be completely undone if Casper keeps touching him and being nice. "Um. I... uh. I..." Does he like literally anything about himself? His writing is bad, his personality is bad, his body is low-end as cultivators go, and so are his abilities. "I... like that I make you happy? Does that count?"
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