Shang Qinghua--Beida--whatever the fuck, who cares, he is going to go hide in a room that has a door and if Casper is in it that's great but he honestly does not have the bandwidth to wander around avoiding terrifying people in the hopes of finding his boyfriend if he's not there.
He heads into the room, strongly considering crawling under the bed and just hanging out there until he feels less like he's about to be horribly murdered.
Thankfully his boyfriend is in there and when he sees his boyfriend looking like that he stops and stares, standing up to pull the other into a hug if he wants it.
"Hey. Hey, schatzi. What's going on - what happened? You look like - you look really out of it..."
He leans gratefully into his boyfriend's chest and buries his face in his shoulder. "It's. Fine. There was just... a new guy, and he's some kind of... god-emperor who wants to kill empires or something. I'm fine." He's definitely absolutely fine and not clinging at all.
Um. Okay. That's. A lot. Good thing he didn't go poking at random peoples' power levels today. "I would recommend you stay away from that guy? At least until he chills out? ... Or like... as long as he's not aiming it at you, I guess." He would prefer no empires being blown up, but as long as it's not one he cares about...
But nope, picking up boyfriend and going over to the bed, sitting down with him in his lap. It is cuddle time. "Hey. It's okay to not be fine."
"I would love to stay away from him preferably forever." Shang Beida is mumbling into Casper's shoulder because he does not want to move his face. "His divine imperial majesty is welcome to not be near this lowly one."
He curls into Casper's chest, hands fisting in his hoodie. "It would be ridiculous to not be fine. I'm used to magical inhuman royalty threatening me with bodily harm and or death. That's just like, Tuesday. And he didn't even threaten me, really, he even said I could go because I looked uncomfortable. Which means I was being rude and he didn't even do anything to me about it."
"It's not a large boat - I mean it is, but we don't have a big area to move around on." He brushes his fingers through Shang Beida's hair carefully, slowly untangling any knots if he reaches them.
... And he sighs again. "You know that's not okay, right? That's not like, normal? Even if you wrote it into your book - which like... probably indicates that you have some issues, I'm sorry schatzi, but you probably do - you should not be being threatened by people and especially not that often. And it's not rude to be uncomfortable, it's a normal reaction to power and especially to someone who's blatantly crazy enough to want to blow up - what, an entire empire, you said?"
"I could just stay in here. There's no scary people in here." The fingers in his hair are very soothing. He relaxes into Casper a little.
"It's normal in the book and like the whole genre mostly," he grumbles. "It's very normal for demons. And kind of cultivators too but mostly demons." Also... "Nothing that bad ever happened to me and it would be ridiculous for me to have issues. It's not rude to be uncomfortable, maybe, but it's rude for it to be obvious! If he could tell that means I was visibly uncomfortable with him and that's super rude, servants aren't supposed to have like really any visible emotions but especially not negative ones and especially not about the nobles." Absolutely no self-awareness of what he sounds like right now, nope. "But uh yeah he said there was like... an empire that... developed evil weapons so he needed to destroy them all or something? I did not ask questions. You don't ask emperors questions."
"... Just because it's normal to the genre doesn't mean it's like. Healthy. My father never hurt me either and you still think it's normal for me to have issues about him." He's not trying to make this an argument, but he does want to point out the hypocrisy.
... This part he thinks might be a cultural difference and he's not sure how to go about this without being Extremely Western about this. So. "... I'm going to be Extremely Western about this, but you're still a person with emotions, and even if you're not supposed to show any emotions about the nobles you're absolutely still entitled to have emotions about the nobles. And you can't be a perfect actor all the time."
"That's different." He doesn't have like, a refutation here, just a 'nuh-uh'. "And he clearly hurt you like, emotionally." And Casper is like, a whole normal nice person whose emotions matter.
"I'm not even a good actor, or everyone wouldn't find me incredibly sleazy at all times." Except, somehow, magically, Casper, who somehow wants to date a fantasy accountant with the spine of a jellyfish and the vibes of a used car salesman. "Anyway, it's stupid to have emotions about nobles being nobles. It's like being mad at the weather. They just happen and you deal with it. That's what being a servant is." It's very normal how much he's convinced that he's nothing more than a servant. Even to people he literally just met.
"How is it different?" He doesn't want to push too hard, but he does want to know Shang Beida's reasoning.
"Anyway... I kind of feel the same about the gods. But those are gods, not actually people. Nobles are people." He shakes his head and presses a kiss to the top of the other's head gently. "People can and will be stupid. I don't like it when they're mean to you."
"Because it... because. You're like, a normal nice good person and actual bad things happened to you in the real actual world." We're ignoring that he's admitted his original parents didn't care about him. It's not the same because it isn't.
"He's a god-emperor. And most of the nobles I deal with are either demons or cultivators, so immortal and powerful. And cultivators can ascend into gods. I could ascend into a god. You're half a god. What's the difference?" Genuinely, he doesn't really see a differentiation there.
Oh... he melts into Casper's chest, nuzzling his face into his neck. He's still not used to receiving casual affection. And he likes that Casper doesn't want people to be mean to him, he just... "It's not that I want people to be mean to me, I'm just... used to it. It's normal. I'm sleazy and annoying and a convenient punching bag." And, to be fair... "He wasn't really mean. He was just, like generally terrifying, on precedent. He didn't hit me or even threaten me. The duke with the handcuffs was more actively threatening, and you don't have a problem with him."
"If it's real enough to you, does it matter if it's the 'real world' or not? Like people get harassed and bullied online and it's still harassment and bullying." It's not the same but it's still real enough. He shakes his head and curls around the other man.
... And yeah. That's the problem. "There's a difference between acting sleazy and being sleazy, and just because you've done the first doesn't mean you are the second. And it shouldn't be - you didn't think it should be normal for people to be mean to me. Why should I hold you to a different standard, schatzi? You don't deserve any less kindness than I do."
As for Ice Not-A-Cop, he just seemed... decent? "And I mean yeah. He was fine? I was more focused on keeping you calm and then focused on the fact that I put my foot in my mouth."
Online bullying is real bullying? “People calling me a shitty hack who can’t write isn’t a real problem either.” Even when Cucumber-bro started doing it in person.
“I’m very untrustworthy. No one trusts me or should trust me. Except you.” He’s not going to fall into the ‘I like you so you can’t be unlikable’ trap again that isn’t the point. But… “You’re too nice to me. No one else has ever thought the word kindness in the same sentence as me. It’s not—I’m not like a regular person with virtues and shit I’m Shang Qinghua I don’t even have redeeming qualities. ”
“‘It’s your grace actually, take me to the cafeteria without babbling and maybe I’ll let you off the hook’,” Shang Beida imitates grumpily. It’s not a good imitation, but it gestures in the right direction. Ice Duke was scary.
"Yes it is. It still hurts your feelings. And that's important, don't say that it isn't." He squeezes his boyfriend tightly. "People here like you. Or at least I'm pretty sure they don't dislike you? You're a good person and you have virtues."
This needs an example. "For instance, you're incredibly loyal. You're kind - shush and let me compliment you before you say anything. A lesser person would have just left me to my panic attacks and walked away, or made fun of me or... or something else. But you helped me through them, you didn't leave me in that dark place. You held my hand and guided me back towards the light." He's getting a little choked up, give him a second.
"I don't know shit about titles or nobility or anything. I can be polite when I need or want to be, but... but I don't think they really matter here. I mean sure this guy's a god emperor or whatever, but he's stuck here the same as us. I wouldn't like... piss him off on purpose but he's going to have to learn to live with people treating him like another person because I don't think people are going to treat him like royalty here anyway."
"You like me. And you're amazing but there's only one of you. Even counting Bob, I don't think Bob actually likes me. I really don't think anyone else does." Like, what, Wet Justice is going to decide they're besties now? As if. He's not likable, Casper is just... he doesn't know, a fluke. They have enough in common that he cheated somehow and he's too selfish to stop doing it. (And anyway, Casper would be sad, and he doesn't want that probably even more than he doesn't want himself to be sad.)
"If I was loyal I wouldn't be a traitor to my sect and like, entire species." Not that he wanted to be Shang Qinghua and do Shang Qinghua things, but still, he did. He could've like, let the System kill him instead. A righteous person would have, would have rather died than live as Shang Qinghua.
"That's not..." He doesn't have a good argument. "Anyone who wasn't the actual worst would want to help you." But also his boyfriend sounds all emotional talking about him and now he feels bad trying to argue about it and he... feels some kind of way about how much Casper cares about him and... he doesn't have words about it. He darts up to kiss Casper, quick and soft, then buries his face back in his neck. "I... I'm glad I could help you, 心爱." He's so, so glad. Even if he doesn't feel like he deserves this.
"Okay, well. First of all - Bob dislikes basically everyone." He looks up at where Bob is perched and pretending to not pay attention to the pair. Ew, gross, affection. Couldn't be him. Casper smiles slightly - he knows Bob is just putting on a tough face. He returns his gaze to his boyfriend, shaking his head a little. Oh, Shang Beida...
"... I know you wouldn't have done something like that if you didn't have to. But you did. And... I know you had your reasons. I don't think you're a bad person. You're... you're a good man. You've had to deal with a lot of things..." He blushes at the kiss and tucks his chin against the top of the older man's head.
He's not sure what the right thing to say here is, so he just holds the other for a few long moments. "I'm here for you, schatzi. You're here for me. That's what's important. As long as we can be there for one another, we can manage to make it through this." He's just afraid of what else the Boat might throw at them, but... they can deal with it together.
“But he’s like… the closest to having your family appro— nevermind.” Shang Beida is not looking up and he’s going to pretend he didn’t just say that.
“I could have refused to be Shang Qinghua and… let the system send me back. A righteous person would have refused to be Shang Qinghua. Zhangmen-shixiong wouldn’t do the things I’ve done for any—well, maybe for Shen Jiu. Not the point. The point is I’ve only done anything to save my own skin for decades, and just let other people die for it.” His own martial siblings, sometimes, as he clung weeping to Mobei-Jun’s thighs. “I had to sabotage every other candidate for Peak Lord of An Ding because Shang Qinghua has to be the Peak Lord. I’m selfish and traitorous and… I’m not a good person, Casper.”
Casper’s arms are so much more comforting than he deserves. “我爱你宝贝. I love you.” He hugs the younger man tightly. If he wasn’t selfish he wouldn’t take from his boyfriend like this, wouldn’t make him try and comfort him. “I’m sorry.”
"Schatzi, you don't want my family's approval. And besides, if he hated you he'd be harassing you and playing tricks on you. Trust me." It's fine. You're raven-approved.
... Sent him back. To die, he means. He doesn't quite understand this 'System' thing but it seems to be some kind of Fate-related thing. He tries to think over what he's going to say, picking his words with care. "... You did what you thought you had to do because you thought you were following what your fate was. What you were prophesized to do. ... While I'm - I mean. Mm. I have mixed feelings about both following and breaking Fate. Either way I can't... I can't condone or condemn what you've done."
He feels... weird about it? Not good, not bad, just... weird. Fate makes him feel weird and strange and he Does Not Like It. He lets out a long breath and shakes his head. "I love you too. You don't have anything to be sorry about. Just live to be yourself. That's all I ask of you. Just try to be you. Don't... don't try to hide yourself, because... because you're beautiful."
"Well, not your parents', no, they suck. But you like Bob. And he's... important." Casper's soul is in him! And he's basically his little brother! Obviously his opinion matters!
"I was... the System was... specific. About what Shang Qinghua needed to do and be. Follow the plot of the book or punishment. Sometimes there were... it didn't stop me, when I almost killed my king with a rock. That would have... it would have changed things. Maybe not everything, though, maybe Linguang-Jun or someone would just have taken his role instead. But I couldn't make myself do it anyway." He doesn't like killing anyone, much less his--what he thought was his ideal man. Bitterly, he continues, "Cucumber-bro unlocked fucking OOC mode after like a month and got to do whatever he wanted. Well, he still had to shove Binghe into the Abyss, but he got to be nice to him before that, instead of treating him like the original goods did." Which apparently just gave Binghe an angry and confused boner, but anyway. "But there's--it was all my fault and my doing anyway, wasn't it? Since I wrote the fucking book. I'm the one who decided all those things should happen."
"I'm sorry I... that I'm making you deal with me... being like this." Pathetic and needy.
He blushes and hides his face in Casper's shoulder. "I'm not beautiful."
"Like I said, he doesn't dislike you. I promise you that." It would have been made clear by now, honestly. It's not exactly like Bob is a master of subtlety. ... Like owner, like pet - or something like that.
Fate. It's just fucking Fate again. He doesn't know what OOC is but it seems to be something like 'able to go against the rules' and that's enough for him to understand. He sighs and a lot of the cheer suddenly drops from his tone. His boyfriend needs the Serious Voice. It's not exactly commanding - and gods know he's not going to use the literally Commanding Voice on his boyfriend - but it is serious, steady, and calm.
"First of all it is not your fault. How, in any universe, were you to be expected to know that this was what would happen? How were you to know that your book would come to life, that you would be put inside it, that you would be forced to follow along? Please, Shang Beida. Please tell me how you were supposed to know that, because I would be curious to know how." Is he being a little harsh and a little sarcastic? Maybe. But he's trying to make a point.
He pulls away so he can look his boyfriend in the face, tilting his head so that their gazes meet. "Second of all it is not a problem for you to be like this, all right? You are not a burden, you are not a problem, you are not an issue. I love you and I want you to know that you're loved. We both have our own... challenges, but that does not mean that we have to be them. ... I struggle with it too. It's hard. It's very hard. But you're safe. You're loved. You're here with me. Those things matter."
"... And besides. I think you're beautiful." He pulls the other back into his shoulder and presses a kiss to the side of his head.
Casper’s voice shifts, serious in a way he hasn’t heard before, and Shang Beida can’t help tensing a little bit that he hopes his boyfriend doesn’t notice. He’s not scared of Casper. He’s not. He’d never be. There’s just… instinct. But then he calls him Shang Beida, and he shivers, brain jerking onto a different track. He’s not Qinghua in trouble. He’s not Qinghua at all. He’s Beida. He doesn’t have to be Qinghua.
Casper pulls back and… oh, this is a Serious Eye Contact conversation now. Help. And he… oh. His eyes fill and he sniffles as he’s tucked back into his boyfriend’s shoulder. He wraps his arms around him tighter. He’s loved. Somehow.
“I don’t… no, I didn’t know my shitty webnovel would be real. You’re right.” His voice may be a little thick with tears. “I love you and I’m so lucky to have found you and that you love me. I… um. Could you, sometimes… fuck this is both mortifying and how do I explain to a westerner. There’s, um. If you called me— A-Beida. It would be. Um. Like. Affectionate and— intimate? And. Um. It— it’s… nice? Hearing my name? It… reminds me I don’t have to be Qinghua. I’m Beida. I’m not him.”
He can feel that tension and flinches internally. He didn't mean to scare the man, just Be Serious. ... But he can see where that would be scary. His voice softens again and his shoulders relax as he leans into his boyfriend carefully. "Shh, hey. It's all right. I'm sorry if I was too harsh, I just... wanted to make my point. I just wanted you to know that I meant it."
... Also uh. Huh. Okay. He's going to chalk this up to 'Chinese thing I don't understand #368' but he will try. "Um. A-Beida? Like that? Did I say it right? Wh... what's the literal or... equivalent term of that? I just want to know when it's appropriate to say it so I'm not saying something like 'Hey Sweetbutt' or something in front of people."
“No, you’re— it’s fine.” He doesn’t want Casper to feel bad just because he has an instinctive dread of being in trouble. “You weren’t too harsh, you… I know you’re right, I just… it’s hard to… it was just me for fifty years, you know? Before Cucumber-bro transmigrated in. I’ve had… a really long time to stew on… how the whole world… to watch all the things I wrote and to have to do them and…” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I know I’m not making sense. And I’m not crying because of that. I’m… just crying because you love me.”
Shang Beida can feel his face flame when Casper says his name. The tones aren’t quite there but it’s more than close enough. “I don’t know if there is like an equivalent. I mean you don’t really do honorifics at all. It’s not like… inappropriate to say in front of other people, it’s not even exclusively romantic, it just denotes like, some kind of close relationship? Like, if I had a sibling I was close with, I might sometimes call them A-Feng or whatever. There’s honestly a lot of crossover between things you call friends and things you call siblings and things you call romantic partners. Like if I had a younger sibling they’d call me Beida-ge, but you could also call me Beida-ge, since I’m older, and it would also be like… intimate… similar to A-Beida. But it’s not like saying hey sweetbutt.”
"Yeah. You're making sense, I just... I just want you to know that I'm serious. That I care. That you're loved and precious tand you deserve so, so much." He presses another kiss to the side of the other's head. "And okay. I just... um. I don't want to embarrass you? Or like... make you feel weird or anything."
He laughs a little bit, pressing his mouth into the other's shoulder gently. "Sorry, I... um. There's like... a Chinatown in the city I grew up in but it's not like we got formal education about that kind of stuff. The only foreign language I've had formal education in rather than more hands on has been French, and I'm awful at it. Je ne parle pas français." Which is about all he can do - he can pronounce words and he knows scattered vocabulary, but trying to speak it fluently? Forget it.
"I guess maybe school just wasn't really a good way for me to learn... ah, sorry. I didn't mean to change the subject." He just... got distracted and started rambling...
Shang Beida sniffles a little and tightens his arms around Casper. "You're not embarrassing me. And I mean it feels weird for someone to love me and be nice to me but that's not like... a weird I want to stop."
"I do not know jackshit about French. We learned some English in school, because like, international accessibility or whatever, and I know uh. A little Japanese because of... watching anime and shit. Not enough to do anything useful with. I mean, how often are the honorifics for royalty going to come up in my life? My first life, I mean. They didn't matter in my second life because no one spoke Japanese because I didn't put any in the book. Um. No, it's fine, we don't need to just... talk about me having a crisis forever. You learn better like, hands on?"
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day ??? tdm ??? (post-fou-lu)
He heads into the room, strongly considering crawling under the bed and just hanging out there until he feels less like he's about to be horribly murdered.
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"Hey. Hey, schatzi. What's going on - what happened? You look like - you look really out of it..."
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But nope, picking up boyfriend and going over to the bed, sitting down with him in his lap. It is cuddle time. "Hey. It's okay to not be fine."
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He curls into Casper's chest, hands fisting in his hoodie. "It would be ridiculous to not be fine. I'm used to magical inhuman royalty threatening me with bodily harm and or death. That's just like, Tuesday. And he didn't even threaten me, really, he even said I could go because I looked uncomfortable. Which means I was being rude and he didn't even do anything to me about it."
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... And he sighs again. "You know that's not okay, right? That's not like, normal? Even if you wrote it into your book - which like... probably indicates that you have some issues, I'm sorry schatzi, but you probably do - you should not be being threatened by people and especially not that often. And it's not rude to be uncomfortable, it's a normal reaction to power and especially to someone who's blatantly crazy enough to want to blow up - what, an entire empire, you said?"
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"It's normal in the book and like the whole genre mostly," he grumbles. "It's very normal for demons. And kind of cultivators too but mostly demons." Also... "Nothing that bad ever happened to me and it would be ridiculous for me to have issues. It's not rude to be uncomfortable, maybe, but it's rude for it to be obvious! If he could tell that means I was visibly uncomfortable with him and that's super rude, servants aren't supposed to have like really any visible emotions but especially not negative ones and especially not about the nobles." Absolutely no self-awareness of what he sounds like right now, nope. "But uh yeah he said there was like... an empire that... developed evil weapons so he needed to destroy them all or something? I did not ask questions. You don't ask emperors questions."
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... This part he thinks might be a cultural difference and he's not sure how to go about this without being Extremely Western about this. So. "... I'm going to be Extremely Western about this, but you're still a person with emotions, and even if you're not supposed to show any emotions about the nobles you're absolutely still entitled to have emotions about the nobles. And you can't be a perfect actor all the time."
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"I'm not even a good actor, or everyone wouldn't find me incredibly sleazy at all times." Except, somehow, magically, Casper, who somehow wants to date a fantasy accountant with the spine of a jellyfish and the vibes of a used car salesman. "Anyway, it's stupid to have emotions about nobles being nobles. It's like being mad at the weather. They just happen and you deal with it. That's what being a servant is." It's very normal how much he's convinced that he's nothing more than a servant. Even to people he literally just met.
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"Anyway... I kind of feel the same about the gods. But those are gods, not actually people. Nobles are people." He shakes his head and presses a kiss to the top of the other's head gently. "People can and will be stupid. I don't like it when they're mean to you."
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"He's a god-emperor. And most of the nobles I deal with are either demons or cultivators, so immortal and powerful. And cultivators can ascend into gods. I could ascend into a god. You're half a god. What's the difference?" Genuinely, he doesn't really see a differentiation there.
Oh... he melts into Casper's chest, nuzzling his face into his neck. He's still not used to receiving casual affection. And he likes that Casper doesn't want people to be mean to him, he just... "It's not that I want people to be mean to me, I'm just... used to it. It's normal. I'm sleazy and annoying and a convenient punching bag." And, to be fair... "He wasn't really mean. He was just, like generally terrifying, on precedent. He didn't hit me or even threaten me. The duke with the handcuffs was more actively threatening, and you don't have a problem with him."
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... And yeah. That's the problem. "There's a difference between acting sleazy and being sleazy, and just because you've done the first doesn't mean you are the second. And it shouldn't be - you didn't think it should be normal for people to be mean to me. Why should I hold you to a different standard, schatzi? You don't deserve any less kindness than I do."
As for Ice Not-A-Cop, he just seemed... decent? "And I mean yeah. He was fine? I was more focused on keeping you calm and then focused on the fact that I put my foot in my mouth."
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“I’m very untrustworthy. No one trusts me or should trust me. Except you.” He’s not going to fall into the ‘I like you so you can’t be unlikable’ trap again that isn’t the point. But… “You’re too nice to me. No one else has ever thought the word kindness in the same sentence as me. It’s not—I’m not like a regular person with virtues and shit I’m Shang Qinghua I don’t even have redeeming qualities. ”
“‘It’s your grace actually, take me to the cafeteria without babbling and maybe I’ll let you off the hook’,” Shang Beida imitates grumpily. It’s not a good imitation, but it gestures in the right direction. Ice Duke was scary.
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This needs an example. "For instance, you're incredibly loyal. You're kind - shush and let me compliment you before you say anything. A lesser person would have just left me to my panic attacks and walked away, or made fun of me or... or something else. But you helped me through them, you didn't leave me in that dark place. You held my hand and guided me back towards the light." He's getting a little choked up, give him a second.
"I don't know shit about titles or nobility or anything. I can be polite when I need or want to be, but... but I don't think they really matter here. I mean sure this guy's a god emperor or whatever, but he's stuck here the same as us. I wouldn't like... piss him off on purpose but he's going to have to learn to live with people treating him like another person because I don't think people are going to treat him like royalty here anyway."
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"If I was loyal I wouldn't be a traitor to my sect and like, entire species." Not that he wanted to be Shang Qinghua and do Shang Qinghua things, but still, he did. He could've like, let the System kill him instead. A righteous person would have, would have rather died than live as Shang Qinghua.
"That's not..." He doesn't have a good argument. "Anyone who wasn't the actual worst would want to help you." But also his boyfriend sounds all emotional talking about him and now he feels bad trying to argue about it and he... feels some kind of way about how much Casper cares about him and... he doesn't have words about it. He darts up to kiss Casper, quick and soft, then buries his face back in his neck. "I... I'm glad I could help you, 心爱." He's so, so glad. Even if he doesn't feel like he deserves this.
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"... I know you wouldn't have done something like that if you didn't have to. But you did. And... I know you had your reasons. I don't think you're a bad person. You're... you're a good man. You've had to deal with a lot of things..." He blushes at the kiss and tucks his chin against the top of the older man's head.
He's not sure what the right thing to say here is, so he just holds the other for a few long moments. "I'm here for you, schatzi. You're here for me. That's what's important. As long as we can be there for one another, we can manage to make it through this." He's just afraid of what else the Boat might throw at them, but... they can deal with it together.
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“I could have refused to be Shang Qinghua and… let the system send me back. A righteous person would have refused to be Shang Qinghua. Zhangmen-shixiong wouldn’t do the things I’ve done for any—well, maybe for Shen Jiu. Not the point. The point is I’ve only done anything to save my own skin for decades, and just let other people die for it.” His own martial siblings, sometimes, as he clung weeping to Mobei-Jun’s thighs. “I had to sabotage every other candidate for Peak Lord of An Ding because Shang Qinghua has to be the Peak Lord. I’m selfish and traitorous and… I’m not a good person, Casper.”
Casper’s arms are so much more comforting than he deserves. “我爱你宝贝. I love you.” He hugs the younger man tightly. If he wasn’t selfish he wouldn’t take from his boyfriend like this, wouldn’t make him try and comfort him. “I’m sorry.”
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... Sent him back. To die, he means. He doesn't quite understand this 'System' thing but it seems to be some kind of Fate-related thing. He tries to think over what he's going to say, picking his words with care. "... You did what you thought you had to do because you thought you were following what your fate was. What you were prophesized to do. ... While I'm - I mean. Mm. I have mixed feelings about both following and breaking Fate. Either way I can't... I can't condone or condemn what you've done."
He feels... weird about it? Not good, not bad, just... weird. Fate makes him feel weird and strange and he Does Not Like It. He lets out a long breath and shakes his head. "I love you too. You don't have anything to be sorry about. Just live to be yourself. That's all I ask of you. Just try to be you. Don't... don't try to hide yourself, because... because you're beautiful."
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"I was... the System was... specific. About what Shang Qinghua needed to do and be. Follow the plot of the book or punishment. Sometimes there were... it didn't stop me, when I almost killed my king with a rock. That would have... it would have changed things. Maybe not everything, though, maybe Linguang-Jun or someone would just have taken his role instead. But I couldn't make myself do it anyway." He doesn't like killing anyone, much less his--what he thought was his ideal man. Bitterly, he continues, "Cucumber-bro unlocked fucking OOC mode after like a month and got to do whatever he wanted. Well, he still had to shove Binghe into the Abyss, but he got to be nice to him before that, instead of treating him like the original goods did." Which apparently just gave Binghe an angry and confused boner, but anyway. "But there's--it was all my fault and my doing anyway, wasn't it? Since I wrote the fucking book. I'm the one who decided all those things should happen."
"I'm sorry I... that I'm making you deal with me... being like this." Pathetic and needy.
He blushes and hides his face in Casper's shoulder. "I'm not beautiful."
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Fate. It's just fucking Fate again. He doesn't know what OOC is but it seems to be something like 'able to go against the rules' and that's enough for him to understand. He sighs and a lot of the cheer suddenly drops from his tone. His boyfriend needs the Serious Voice. It's not exactly commanding - and gods know he's not going to use the literally Commanding Voice on his boyfriend - but it is serious, steady, and calm.
"First of all it is not your fault. How, in any universe, were you to be expected to know that this was what would happen? How were you to know that your book would come to life, that you would be put inside it, that you would be forced to follow along? Please, Shang Beida. Please tell me how you were supposed to know that, because I would be curious to know how." Is he being a little harsh and a little sarcastic? Maybe. But he's trying to make a point.
He pulls away so he can look his boyfriend in the face, tilting his head so that their gazes meet. "Second of all it is not a problem for you to be like this, all right? You are not a burden, you are not a problem, you are not an issue. I love you and I want you to know that you're loved. We both have our own... challenges, but that does not mean that we have to be them. ... I struggle with it too. It's hard. It's very hard. But you're safe. You're loved. You're here with me. Those things matter."
"... And besides. I think you're beautiful." He pulls the other back into his shoulder and presses a kiss to the side of his head.
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Casper pulls back and… oh, this is a Serious Eye Contact conversation now. Help. And he… oh. His eyes fill and he sniffles as he’s tucked back into his boyfriend’s shoulder. He wraps his arms around him tighter. He’s loved. Somehow.
“I don’t… no, I didn’t know my shitty webnovel would be real. You’re right.” His voice may be a little thick with tears. “I love you and I’m so lucky to have found you and that you love me. I… um. Could you, sometimes… fuck this is both mortifying and how do I explain to a westerner. There’s, um. If you called me— A-Beida. It would be. Um. Like. Affectionate and— intimate? And. Um. It— it’s… nice? Hearing my name? It… reminds me I don’t have to be Qinghua. I’m Beida. I’m not him.”
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... Also uh. Huh. Okay. He's going to chalk this up to 'Chinese thing I don't understand #368' but he will try. "Um. A-Beida? Like that? Did I say it right? Wh... what's the literal or... equivalent term of that? I just want to know when it's appropriate to say it so I'm not saying something like 'Hey Sweetbutt' or something in front of people."
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Shang Beida can feel his face flame when Casper says his name. The tones aren’t quite there but it’s more than close enough. “I don’t know if there is like an equivalent. I mean you don’t really do honorifics at all. It’s not like… inappropriate to say in front of other people, it’s not even exclusively romantic, it just denotes like, some kind of close relationship? Like, if I had a sibling I was close with, I might sometimes call them A-Feng or whatever. There’s honestly a lot of crossover between things you call friends and things you call siblings and things you call romantic partners. Like if I had a younger sibling they’d call me Beida-ge, but you could also call me Beida-ge, since I’m older, and it would also be like… intimate… similar to A-Beida. But it’s not like saying hey sweetbutt.”
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He laughs a little bit, pressing his mouth into the other's shoulder gently. "Sorry, I... um. There's like... a Chinatown in the city I grew up in but it's not like we got formal education about that kind of stuff. The only foreign language I've had formal education in rather than more hands on has been French, and I'm awful at it. Je ne parle pas français." Which is about all he can do - he can pronounce words and he knows scattered vocabulary, but trying to speak it fluently? Forget it.
"I guess maybe school just wasn't really a good way for me to learn... ah, sorry. I didn't mean to change the subject." He just... got distracted and started rambling...
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"I do not know jackshit about French. We learned some English in school, because like, international accessibility or whatever, and I know uh. A little Japanese because of... watching anime and shit. Not enough to do anything useful with. I mean, how often are the honorifics for royalty going to come up in my life? My first life, I mean. They didn't matter in my second life because no one spoke Japanese because I didn't put any in the book. Um. No, it's fine, we don't need to just... talk about me having a crisis forever. You learn better like, hands on?"
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that got longer than I expected it to
it is his Way
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