"No, I..." He sighs and closes his eyes. He doesn't want Shang Beida to see the tears welling up, even though he can probably tell. "I just... I just... I know I'm broken and miserable and awful and I'm sorry that you're... having to deal with all of this..."
His voice cracks and he lets go of the other's face, dropping his head and biting his lip. "I'm sorry... if I hadn't been - if I hadn't gotten myself hurt..."
He makes the executive decision to drop the needle--well, toss it vaguely in the direction of his robes, he'll probably be able to find it later, whatever--so he'll have both hands free to pull Casper closer. "No, hey, shh. Dealing with you is like, possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me, do not be sorry for that. And you're not broken. And definitely not awful. You are like, the least awful person I have ever met in my life, and I am literally including Zhangmen-shixiong in that, and he's like the ultimate paragon of Proud Immortal Demon Way." He's somewhat concerned about hurting Casper, touching him when he's covered in wounds, but he... hopes that affection will help more than it might hurt? He wraps one arm around Casper's waist and cups his face with the other hand. "It's okay, 心爱. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."
He pauses, because he saw the mulish set to Casper's face earlier, and knows the younger man doesn't want to buy that. What argument might... "You don't think it's the fault of anyone else who got trapped that it happened, do you? Like Mario, he got stuck too, right? And there's no way it's Super Mario's fault that the plants went insane. Or that girl you were talking to, with the mad hair, you don't blame her, right? You have just as much no fault at all as anyone else. You didn't tell the ship to turn the lights on."
"... No, I just..." He's the one who went off looking for bodies alone. He's the one who didn't run fast enough. He's the one who -
Bob squawks and Casper sighs. "I know. I know. I just... I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me. And you're hurting right now." He rubs his eyes with the back of a hand, trying to breathe. "You're hurting because I got hurt..." He doesn't even know how to process that...
"I'm choosing to be here, with you, baobei. You're-- don't feel worse because I care about you, that's not... it's okay, I promise. You're okay now, and you're here, and I'm taking care of you, and you're not threatening to murder me for seeing you in a vulnerable position, and I'm actually being a little helpful, and I'm glad I can do anything for you, I want to be able to help, and maybe if I had gone with you instead of staying where it was safe this wouldn't have happened like this, but we can't just go in circles about what might have been different. If the ship had warned us it was turning on the lights, if it had tried one area first, if you hadn't been all the way down, if I hadn't found you in time, if Bob hadn't been able to answer me so I could find you--" He cuts himself off, because it's clearly very easy for him to go into what-ifs. "You're okay now. We're okay. We're going to get you cleaned up and then we'll go find something soft to take a nap on. And I'll seal the door shut so no one can get in so we can both sleep. All three, Bob too, I bet Bob's tired too." All he has is a stream of words, so that's what's happening, and he hopes something in there is remotely useful. "It's okay, beloved." Carefully in English, to emphasize the endearment. "It's not your fault that you got hurt, and I was scared because I care about you, and that's-- don't feel bad about that, please."
That's. That's a lot. He lets Shang Beida ramble and finally speaks up when he does finish. "I'm... trying. I'm not used to being... cared about. No one at home does." He lets out a long breath and slowly works on pulling his shoes off, followed by his socks. He undoes his pants and wiggles out of them.
One of his legs is... mostly fine. Shallow cuts that probably need to be looked at, but... his other leg is somewhat rougher. It's cut off at the knee, leaving a smooth nub instead of a kneecap. It's strapped to his leg and it takes him a minute to undo the straps. It smells... not the greatest. His leg stump is red and a little raw, and the inside of the cup that it sits in is somewhat gritty and clearly sweaty. Casper looks away from Shang Beida, his cheeks burning.
His first priority is to reassure Casper that he’s not disgusted by him, so he kisses him on the cheek. “That looks uncomfortable. Let me get the cloth wet so I can clean off all the sweat and dirt so it’s not getting ground into your skin anymore. And then I’ve definitely got some kind of ointment that would be at least soothing. Do you want to sit down? There’s a metal chair over there, I don’t want you to fall, baobei. And once you’re cleaned up we can get the crap out of the scratches. Or do you want to shower now? You can lean on me if you need…” He doesn’t turn away, stays close, unflinching. With as selfconscious as Casper is about it, he is going to do his absolute damnedest to be as reassuring as humanly possible that he doesn’t think Casper is gross or repulsive or whatever for his missing leg.
He nods and hops over to the chair, carrying his leg with him. He doesn't seem to need much help in terms of balance at least - his dexterity is good enough that it's no issue. He's gotten used to it, honestly. ... He probably shouldn't have to, but he has.
Sitting down he looks up at Shang Beida and nods. "I just... want to get clean." He can clean his... intimate parts himself. He trusts the other, but there's such a thing as moving too fast. "I'm okay. I'll... I'll be okay." He sets the ivory colored leg down, examining the runes carved into it. ... They seem mostly free of gunk, for a mercy. He's not sure if the magic in them would have an issue if he went scratching around in them or not.
Shang Beida rinses out the cloth and puts some soap on it, retrieves the needle from the floor, then comes back over to Casper, kneeling on the ground in front of him. "You good for me to wipe you down and get the bits of plant out of your legs, 心爱?" He's looking up at Casper, hair loose around his shoulders, face earnest and open, probably the most exposed and honest he's been in decades.
"Yes." He rests a hand on the other's head, gently ruffling his hair. It's more out of nerves than anything. He doesn't have a problem with other people's prosthetics, it's just... his own is a symbol of his failure. A failure that he's not even told all of the details of to Shang Beida. Every detail just makes him feel and sound worse, and he's just... sick of it.
"I'm... sorry." For having to have him do this. For getting hurt. For needing a prosthetic in the first place.
His eyes close for a moment, when Casper's hand lands on his head, basking in the touch. Being affectionately touched is really nice and he is a huge fan, five out of five stars.
"It's okay, baobei. I like being able to help." He reaches out with the cloth, now, and starts gently wiping Casper's leg clean--he considered, for a moment, starting with the intact one, but he suspects it would just give Casper more time and fuel on his conviction that his amputated one is disgusting, so instead he smooths sweat and grit off the stump of the wound that killed Casper, then presses an impulsive feather-light kiss to the reddened skin before he continues with the rest of his thigh and his other leg.
He looks away for a moment and hunches his shoulders a little. It's a little embarrassing to need to be taken care of. "... You're too kind." It's hard to figure out how to even feel. "Sorry." He can't seem to stop apologizing, but he also can't help but feel awful about it.
“No kinder than you deserve.” He doesn’t know how to fix any of what’s going on in Casper’s head, and telling him not to be sorry that he cared definitely didn’t help, so he just keeps going, wiping all the muck away, disinfecting the wounds, and picking the needle back up. “Love you, baobei. You ready for me to start getting the bark out again?”
"Yeah, I am." He catches the other's hand for a moment and kisses it before drawing back. "You're amazing." He closes his eyes and leans back a little, trying to not look at his wounds. He keeps getting the urge to heal them, but he knows that isn't a good idea right now.
Shang Beida is definitely better at dishing out affection than receiving it, and the kiss on his hand is enough to fluster him a little. "I'm so lucky you think so. I have no idea how I got lucky enough for you to think so." He brushes some of his hair out of his face, cheeks pink, and sets to getting Casper's legs free of bits of plant.
"I mean, I feel the same way." He's aware that they're both kind of losers, but at least they're losers together. The needle on his legs doesn't hurt, and he busies himself by brushing some debris off of his prosthetic. He might as well be helpful (to himself?) while sitting here.
Shang Beida kisses him on an uninjured area of his intact knee, out of sheer overflowing affection. "You're amazing. I don't even... I don't understand how anyone could not think so." How anyone had been so very cruel to Casper. How anyone could look at him and not think he was great.
He finishes picking out all the bits of bark and grabs a clean end of the bandage and the bottle of wine. "Ready for more disinfecting, baobei?"
"We will." Shang Beida isn't sure if he believes it, but if it is in any way within his power, they will be, and Casper definitely feels the same. And between the two of them... they can do a lot. Even without plot and setting knowledge backing him up, Shang Beida isn't completely useless with Shang Qinghua's body and abilities. And his boyfriend is no slouch. They'll figure out why they're here and how to stay safe. He... that's maybe all he wants, now? Like, he doesn't really... want to go back to PIDW? Not unless he could take Casper with him, but then people, including maybe his king, would be trying to kill Casper, and... he doesn't like that thought. He's sort of fine with being stuck on Mystery Leg Boat as long as he's stuck with Casper?
Anyway. He was doing things. He works through the wounds on Casper's legs, bracing himself against the necessity of causing him pain, because getting the injuries clean is more important.
When he finishes that, he... doesn't know what else to do. "Um. Do you want to... shower now? I can like... leave or turn around or..."
Casper wants to go back home if only because he isn't sure how much he is or isn't needed at home. And... there are people he cares about at home. ... Even if he's not sure that they care about him, he still... has an obligation to them.
He's not sure.
He pulls the other close once he doesn't have anything in his hands. He can probably clean himself up on his own but... he's not sure. He doesn't want to make the other uncomfortable, but... he presses a kiss to the side of his head. "Hey. It's... it's okay." He swallows hard and leans against him. They're boyfriends, but... he's not sure. Maybe it's okay if he -
His body nearly jerks off the chair and he pulls his arms in and hunches his shoulders. The image of a monstrous crablike humanoid flashes in his mind and he presses his hands to his eyes. He leans forward and sighs, his lips quivering. No. No, he can't. He can't be - that's like when - "Sorry." He murmurs it, his voice trembling. "Sorry, I just... it's not your fault I just... I - I'm sorry." He feels distant from his body somehow...
Shang Beida honestly might rather go back with Casper than have Casper come back with him. Then he could fight the people who had been mean to Casper, and also, his king wouldn't... potentially conflict with Casper over his spy's... loyalties.
Casper pulling him in is nice, and being leaned into, and... Shit. He-- he's not sure if he should touch Casper right now or if it would make it worse.
"Shh, baobei, 心爱, it's-- well it's not okay, obviously, but I'm not-- upset at you or anything. Do you need me to, to go, or? It's not your fault, baobei. You're-- being traumatized isn't your fault either. I don't want to do anything you aren't comfortable with." He does not know how to help! Touching Casper helped down below in the plants, but that was-- Casper wasn't upset by him, then. He's pretty sure this is different. Different source of trauma.
"No, no. It's not you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just - I'm sorry, I'm a mess, I can't..." His eyes fill with tears and he sniffles, scrubbing the back of his hand against his eyes. "... You deserve someone less broken than me."
He stands and hops over to his prosthetic, starting to pull it on. He needs to shower, but having more stability will help. "... I can't... sorry. I want to... hold you. Hug you. Kiss you. I don't know if anything else has... um. Crossed your mind. But the idea of that is... I want to, I really do, but I... I don't want to get scared and hurt you. I... I'm just... sorry. The whole... Prince Crab thing is..."
He slams a fist against the wall, pressing his forehead to it. The noise rings a little in the space and he slumps. "... Why me, schatzi? Why can't I have one of those legends that at least doesn't have so much shitty people in it?"
"I only care that you're a mess because you're unhappy, baobei. You're... I don't want some hypothetical less broken perfect person. You... you understand me, you're nice to me, you're so..." He's still unable to really put into words how incredible Casper is, how astonishingly lucky he is to have met him.
The idea has definitely crossed the mind of the sellout porn author, yes, it would be hard for him to have avoided the thought, but... "We-- we don't have to do anything that... I don't want to be the one traumatizing you further, 心爱. If I could-- go kill the one who hurt you like-- but I can't, and I'm not a therapist, I don't know how to fix anything." He's not useful for this, for emotions. Well, he's not useful for much of anything, but especially not this. He's fairly completely useless socially and always has been. He's honestly completely unworried about Casper hurting him, only concerned about Casper being scared and upset. He gets hurt all the time, he'll live.
"Fate is an asshole and I'll fight it too? You don't-- you've never deserved to be hurt. I can't and I won't believe that any of it was ever your fault. The world is just... cruel and hard and... things happen and... sometimes we can't escape them." Can he escape his fate, really? He still half expects his king to get Luo Binghe to tear him a way here with Xin Mo to reclaim his spy, if only to have the privilege of his death himself.
"It is, and I'd like to fight it too. And I don't think killing Prince Crab would go over well with the Sea Dragon but it's tempting." He just tries to breathe normally, not the way his body is trying to hiccup-breathe.
Part of him wants to complain that therapy is only for people who can heal - which isn't him. He got the benefits of being able to heal physically, he shouldn't complain. But he knows that Shang Beida would object so he's just left feeling useless.
"Sorry. I'll just... um. I should just clean up. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make a scene..." He can't even look at his boyfriend right now. He's just causing him pain, isn't he?
"The Sea Dragon can go fuck itself too, then." Not a useful sentiment, probably, but it's the one he has. He makes a mental note that if he ever meets any royal crustaceans he will do his level best to murder them.
Shang Beida does feel horribly helpless, but... he still wouldn't trade having someone care about him. He just wishes he could help. "Do you want me to turn around, or leave?"
"Probably." As for the question, he's... not sure. "I... don't leave? Please?" He'd feel too exposed without Shang Beida watching his back, so to speak. "Maybe just... turn around? I can do the same for you once I'm done, so you can get cleaned up, too."
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His voice cracks and he lets go of the other's face, dropping his head and biting his lip. "I'm sorry... if I hadn't been - if I hadn't gotten myself hurt..."
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He pauses, because he saw the mulish set to Casper's face earlier, and knows the younger man doesn't want to buy that. What argument might... "You don't think it's the fault of anyone else who got trapped that it happened, do you? Like Mario, he got stuck too, right? And there's no way it's Super Mario's fault that the plants went insane. Or that girl you were talking to, with the mad hair, you don't blame her, right? You have just as much no fault at all as anyone else. You didn't tell the ship to turn the lights on."
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Bob squawks and Casper sighs. "I know. I know. I just... I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me. And you're hurting right now." He rubs his eyes with the back of a hand, trying to breathe. "You're hurting because I got hurt..." He doesn't even know how to process that...
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One of his legs is... mostly fine. Shallow cuts that probably need to be looked at, but... his other leg is somewhat rougher. It's cut off at the knee, leaving a smooth nub instead of a kneecap. It's strapped to his leg and it takes him a minute to undo the straps. It smells... not the greatest. His leg stump is red and a little raw, and the inside of the cup that it sits in is somewhat gritty and clearly sweaty. Casper looks away from Shang Beida, his cheeks burning.
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Sitting down he looks up at Shang Beida and nods. "I just... want to get clean." He can clean his... intimate parts himself. He trusts the other, but there's such a thing as moving too fast. "I'm okay. I'll... I'll be okay." He sets the ivory colored leg down, examining the runes carved into it. ... They seem mostly free of gunk, for a mercy. He's not sure if the magic in them would have an issue if he went scratching around in them or not.
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"I'm... sorry." For having to have him do this. For getting hurt. For needing a prosthetic in the first place.
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"It's okay, baobei. I like being able to help." He reaches out with the cloth, now, and starts gently wiping Casper's leg clean--he considered, for a moment, starting with the intact one, but he suspects it would just give Casper more time and fuel on his conviction that his amputated one is disgusting, so instead he smooths sweat and grit off the stump of the wound that killed Casper, then presses an impulsive feather-light kiss to the reddened skin before he continues with the rest of his thigh and his other leg.
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He finishes picking out all the bits of bark and grabs a clean end of the bandage and the bottle of wine. "Ready for more disinfecting, baobei?"
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It's not pleasant but it'll work - for now, at least. "We're going to be okay. We have to be. There's no other option, okay?"
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Anyway. He was doing things. He works through the wounds on Casper's legs, bracing himself against the necessity of causing him pain, because getting the injuries clean is more important.
When he finishes that, he... doesn't know what else to do. "Um. Do you want to... shower now? I can like... leave or turn around or..."
cw: ptsd trauma response
He's not sure.
He pulls the other close once he doesn't have anything in his hands. He can probably clean himself up on his own but... he's not sure. He doesn't want to make the other uncomfortable, but... he presses a kiss to the side of his head. "Hey. It's... it's okay." He swallows hard and leans against him. They're boyfriends, but... he's not sure. Maybe it's okay if he -
His body nearly jerks off the chair and he pulls his arms in and hunches his shoulders. The image of a monstrous crablike humanoid flashes in his mind and he presses his hands to his eyes. He leans forward and sighs, his lips quivering. No. No, he can't. He can't be - that's like when - "Sorry." He murmurs it, his voice trembling. "Sorry, I just... it's not your fault I just... I - I'm sorry." He feels distant from his body somehow...
Gods, why is he so weak?
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Casper pulling him in is nice, and being leaned into, and... Shit. He-- he's not sure if he should touch Casper right now or if it would make it worse.
"Shh, baobei, 心爱, it's-- well it's not okay, obviously, but I'm not-- upset at you or anything. Do you need me to, to go, or? It's not your fault, baobei. You're-- being traumatized isn't your fault either. I don't want to do anything you aren't comfortable with." He does not know how to help! Touching Casper helped down below in the plants, but that was-- Casper wasn't upset by him, then. He's pretty sure this is different. Different source of trauma.
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He stands and hops over to his prosthetic, starting to pull it on. He needs to shower, but having more stability will help. "... I can't... sorry. I want to... hold you. Hug you. Kiss you. I don't know if anything else has... um. Crossed your mind. But the idea of that is... I want to, I really do, but I... I don't want to get scared and hurt you. I... I'm just... sorry. The whole... Prince Crab thing is..."
He slams a fist against the wall, pressing his forehead to it. The noise rings a little in the space and he slumps. "... Why me, schatzi? Why can't I have one of those legends that at least doesn't have so much shitty people in it?"
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The idea has definitely crossed the mind of the sellout porn author, yes, it would be hard for him to have avoided the thought, but... "We-- we don't have to do anything that... I don't want to be the one traumatizing you further, 心爱. If I could-- go kill the one who hurt you like-- but I can't, and I'm not a therapist, I don't know how to fix anything." He's not useful for this, for emotions. Well, he's not useful for much of anything, but especially not this. He's fairly completely useless socially and always has been. He's honestly completely unworried about Casper hurting him, only concerned about Casper being scared and upset. He gets hurt all the time, he'll live.
"Fate is an asshole and I'll fight it too? You don't-- you've never deserved to be hurt. I can't and I won't believe that any of it was ever your fault. The world is just... cruel and hard and... things happen and... sometimes we can't escape them." Can he escape his fate, really? He still half expects his king to get Luo Binghe to tear him a way here with Xin Mo to reclaim his spy, if only to have the privilege of his death himself.
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Part of him wants to complain that therapy is only for people who can heal - which isn't him. He got the benefits of being able to heal physically, he shouldn't complain. But he knows that Shang Beida would object so he's just left feeling useless.
"Sorry. I'll just... um. I should just clean up. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make a scene..." He can't even look at his boyfriend right now. He's just causing him pain, isn't he?
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Shang Beida does feel horribly helpless, but... he still wouldn't trade having someone care about him. He just wishes he could help. "Do you want me to turn around, or leave?"
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