helborn | -Private Threads- [pluviosa]

"Well, my spare robes are the ones for when I'm trying to go undercover as not a peak lord, so they're also like, not fancy." Casper thinks he looks good... I mean, he knows that, Casper keeps saying things like 'you wrote yourself gorgeous', but... still. It's quite nice to hear, people do not usually compliment him except occasionally when they're trying to influence him via bribery instead of outright force. "I think you'd look good in anything." Skinny nerd, sure, but he's a cute one, and Shang Beida is into it.

He tilts his head a little into the kiss and turns to smile up at Casper. Casper is smiling so maybe he's feeling... somewhat better? But still... "Um. Other arm now?" There's a lot more bits of bark to deal with, yet.

"I mean I don't think I'd look good in robes at all but... thanks." Him? Look good? Ahaha. Nah. He offers his other arm and lets out a long breath. "I don't really know how much is in here, but... gods, now that we're free of there I feel weirdly sore? Like it's not painful, but..."

Honestly he could probably benefit from a massage, but he isn't likely to get one. "... You aren't hurt by anything, right?" He's willing to go beat it up for him.

“You did get pretty beat up, not to mention the muscle strain of struggling to get free.” Shang Beida spares a concerned glance up at him from his focus on picking crap out of Casper’s other arm. “And the, er, adrenaline crash or whatever. Is that the right word? It’s been a long time since I thought about like… biological chemicals. Hormones? Is that one a hormone? Whatever, not the point. The point is it would be weirder if you weren’t sore. I should have a set of acupuncture needles if you want to try that I guess? I’m not like, a doctor, but I know enough to carry on with, I have to tweak my own meridians sometimes and Mu Qingfang isn’t always available, like when I’m at my king’s palace, and I’m not going to trust a demon healer to stick me with needles.” He progresses through the scratches as he talks, increasingly efficient at prying out the bits of bark without doing any further damage.

“I’m fine, baobei, I’m not the one who got attacked by the flora, I was safe up in the cafeteria when the plant bomb went off.” His tone is self deprecating and a little bitter. He knows he’s a useless coward, he just… feels worse about it when Casper is out getting hurt alone. “You’re the one I’m worried about.”

"I don't know about acupuncture but it's never... uh. Appealed?" He's not a needle phobic guy, but he's also not eager to get stuck with a bunch of them. "... And let me worry about you too, schatzi. You're... I'm sorry I scared you, as well. Make sure you're gentle with yourself, dear."

Shang Beida doesn't really get that, but like, it's incredibly culturally normal for him and always has been. He knows western medicine doesn't really... do acupuncture. "Fair enough. Hot water would probably help, and..." He blushes. "I'm probably not any good at massage, but I could try, if you wanted."

"I'm... not used to anyone worrying about me." Or like, caring at all. "Especially when I wasn't even in danger. I... I'm just glad you're okay, 心爱. It's hardly your fault." He presses a kiss to the back of Casper's hand.

"Yeah... and I wouldn't mind if you tried." It's not like Shang Beida could really hurt him at this point. "But you deserve to be worried about. You're a very precious person to me." He leans into his boyfriend's (!!!) chest.

... Oh. The injuries. R... right. He takes a few deep breaths and then pulls away. "I'm... not used to people not blaming me when I get into trouble. You're... really kind."

“I wouldn’t mind trying.” Having his hands all over Casper absolutely does not sound like a bad way to spend time. As for the other statement… he doesn’t know what to do with that. Obviously he knows Casper likes him! He’s calling him German pet names and everything! But calling him precious is another thing altogether.

Casper leaning into his chest is probably getting ichor-blood all over him, but who cares, not his touch starved ass, that’s for sure. His eyes close for a moment, basking in the contact, before Casper pulls away again. And… calls him kind. “Fuck all those other assholes? No one should blame you for things happening to you that aren’t your fault. I’m… absolutely not usually described as kind, but… to you, sure. You’re special.” And in a world where the system doesn’t stop him from acting, so he doesn’t have to harden his heart against things he can’t change.

Quietly, then, because it’s harder to say in a language Casper actually understands: “Love you, baobei.”

"... Love you too, schatzi." He reaches up and takes Shang Beida's cheeks into his hands. "... You're wonderful." He's not going to debate the 'not blaming him for things that he can't control' thing. Of course it's his fault - Fate exists to fuck all of the children of the gods over in some way or another. He didn't ask to be born, but that doesn't mean that things that happen aren't himself.

He pushes those thoughts away. "... We should probably take care of my legs, too. I... um. I'm sorry if it... bothers you. I... I'd understand if you didn't want to help clean it -"

His face is being held, so he takes the completely reasonable track of response to that statement and interrupts it by leaning in to kiss Casper. He keeps it brief and chaste, but entirely sufficient to break that train of logic. "Why would I object to either helping you or to-- seeing more of you? And I don't want any bits of anything left in any part of you, to get infected or whatever."

"And... you're pretty wonderful. I don't know how I managed to make you think I am, but... you're amazing."

"Hey -" Oh. A kiss. He was having a conversation! "... I just mean it's kind of gross to look at, and there's probably gunk stuck in between my leg stump and the false leg and I just..." His eyes flick away and he swallows hard.

... It's a problem. He knows he looks gross and ugly. He hasn't shown that part of himself to the other yet, and he's not sure if he's going to have a... a bad reaction to it.

Shang Beida cups Casper's cheek in the hand that isn't holding a needle. He forgot, for a moment, how cruel people have apparently been to Casper over his injury. "Hey. Casper. It's okay if you don't want me to see, but I'm not going to think less of you, I swear. And having crap stuck between your skin and the prosthetic sounds like a recipe for some kind of horrible sores, I definitely think we should get that clean." His thumb traces lightly over Casper's cheek. "I said you were amazing and I meant it, baobei. You're still here, despite everything that-- people have done to you."

"No, I..." He sighs and closes his eyes. He doesn't want Shang Beida to see the tears welling up, even though he can probably tell. "I just... I just... I know I'm broken and miserable and awful and I'm sorry that you're... having to deal with all of this..."

His voice cracks and he lets go of the other's face, dropping his head and biting his lip. "I'm sorry... if I hadn't been - if I hadn't gotten myself hurt..."

He makes the executive decision to drop the needle--well, toss it vaguely in the direction of his robes, he'll probably be able to find it later, whatever--so he'll have both hands free to pull Casper closer. "No, hey, shh. Dealing with you is like, possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me, do not be sorry for that. And you're not broken. And definitely not awful. You are like, the least awful person I have ever met in my life, and I am literally including Zhangmen-shixiong in that, and he's like the ultimate paragon of Proud Immortal Demon Way." He's somewhat concerned about hurting Casper, touching him when he's covered in wounds, but he... hopes that affection will help more than it might hurt? He wraps one arm around Casper's waist and cups his face with the other hand. "It's okay, 心爱. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."

He pauses, because he saw the mulish set to Casper's face earlier, and knows the younger man doesn't want to buy that. What argument might... "You don't think it's the fault of anyone else who got trapped that it happened, do you? Like Mario, he got stuck too, right? And there's no way it's Super Mario's fault that the plants went insane. Or that girl you were talking to, with the mad hair, you don't blame her, right? You have just as much no fault at all as anyone else. You didn't tell the ship to turn the lights on."

"... No, I just..." He's the one who went off looking for bodies alone. He's the one who didn't run fast enough. He's the one who -

Bob squawks and Casper sighs. "I know. I know. I just... I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me. And you're hurting right now." He rubs his eyes with the back of a hand, trying to breathe. "You're hurting because I got hurt..." He doesn't even know how to process that...

"I'm choosing to be here, with you, baobei. You're-- don't feel worse because I care about you, that's not... it's okay, I promise. You're okay now, and you're here, and I'm taking care of you, and you're not threatening to murder me for seeing you in a vulnerable position, and I'm actually being a little helpful, and I'm glad I can do anything for you, I want to be able to help, and maybe if I had gone with you instead of staying where it was safe this wouldn't have happened like this, but we can't just go in circles about what might have been different. If the ship had warned us it was turning on the lights, if it had tried one area first, if you hadn't been all the way down, if I hadn't found you in time, if Bob hadn't been able to answer me so I could find you--" He cuts himself off, because it's clearly very easy for him to go into what-ifs. "You're okay now. We're okay. We're going to get you cleaned up and then we'll go find something soft to take a nap on. And I'll seal the door shut so no one can get in so we can both sleep. All three, Bob too, I bet Bob's tired too." All he has is a stream of words, so that's what's happening, and he hopes something in there is remotely useful. "It's okay, beloved." Carefully in English, to emphasize the endearment. "It's not your fault that you got hurt, and I was scared because I care about you, and that's-- don't feel bad about that, please."

That's. That's a lot. He lets Shang Beida ramble and finally speaks up when he does finish. "I'm... trying. I'm not used to being... cared about. No one at home does." He lets out a long breath and slowly works on pulling his shoes off, followed by his socks. He undoes his pants and wiggles out of them.

One of his legs is... mostly fine. Shallow cuts that probably need to be looked at, but... his other leg is somewhat rougher. It's cut off at the knee, leaving a smooth nub instead of a kneecap. It's strapped to his leg and it takes him a minute to undo the straps. It smells... not the greatest. His leg stump is red and a little raw, and the inside of the cup that it sits in is somewhat gritty and clearly sweaty. Casper looks away from Shang Beida, his cheeks burning.

His first priority is to reassure Casper that he’s not disgusted by him, so he kisses him on the cheek. “That looks uncomfortable. Let me get the cloth wet so I can clean off all the sweat and dirt so it’s not getting ground into your skin anymore. And then I’ve definitely got some kind of ointment that would be at least soothing. Do you want to sit down? There’s a metal chair over there, I don’t want you to fall, baobei. And once you’re cleaned up we can get the crap out of the scratches. Or do you want to shower now? You can lean on me if you need…” He doesn’t turn away, stays close, unflinching. With as selfconscious as Casper is about it, he is going to do his absolute damnedest to be as reassuring as humanly possible that he doesn’t think Casper is gross or repulsive or whatever for his missing leg.

He nods and hops over to the chair, carrying his leg with him. He doesn't seem to need much help in terms of balance at least - his dexterity is good enough that it's no issue. He's gotten used to it, honestly. ... He probably shouldn't have to, but he has.

Sitting down he looks up at Shang Beida and nods. "I just... want to get clean." He can clean his... intimate parts himself. He trusts the other, but there's such a thing as moving too fast. "I'm okay. I'll... I'll be okay." He sets the ivory colored leg down, examining the runes carved into it. ... They seem mostly free of gunk, for a mercy. He's not sure if the magic in them would have an issue if he went scratching around in them or not.

Shang Beida rinses out the cloth and puts some soap on it, retrieves the needle from the floor, then comes back over to Casper, kneeling on the ground in front of him. "You good for me to wipe you down and get the bits of plant out of your legs, 心爱?" He's looking up at Casper, hair loose around his shoulders, face earnest and open, probably the most exposed and honest he's been in decades.

"Yes." He rests a hand on the other's head, gently ruffling his hair. It's more out of nerves than anything. He doesn't have a problem with other people's prosthetics, it's just... his own is a symbol of his failure. A failure that he's not even told all of the details of to Shang Beida. Every detail just makes him feel and sound worse, and he's just... sick of it.

"I'm... sorry." For having to have him do this. For getting hurt. For needing a prosthetic in the first place.

His eyes close for a moment, when Casper's hand lands on his head, basking in the touch. Being affectionately touched is really nice and he is a huge fan, five out of five stars.

"It's okay, baobei. I like being able to help." He reaches out with the cloth, now, and starts gently wiping Casper's leg clean--he considered, for a moment, starting with the intact one, but he suspects it would just give Casper more time and fuel on his conviction that his amputated one is disgusting, so instead he smooths sweat and grit off the stump of the wound that killed Casper, then presses an impulsive feather-light kiss to the reddened skin before he continues with the rest of his thigh and his other leg.

He looks away for a moment and hunches his shoulders a little. It's a little embarrassing to need to be taken care of. "... You're too kind." It's hard to figure out how to even feel. "Sorry." He can't seem to stop apologizing, but he also can't help but feel awful about it.

“No kinder than you deserve.” He doesn’t know how to fix any of what’s going on in Casper’s head, and telling him not to be sorry that he cared definitely didn’t help, so he just keeps going, wiping all the muck away, disinfecting the wounds, and picking the needle back up. “Love you, baobei. You ready for me to start getting the bark out again?”

"Yeah, I am." He catches the other's hand for a moment and kisses it before drawing back. "You're amazing." He closes his eyes and leans back a little, trying to not look at his wounds. He keeps getting the urge to heal them, but he knows that isn't a good idea right now.

Shang Beida is definitely better at dishing out affection than receiving it, and the kiss on his hand is enough to fluster him a little. "I'm so lucky you think so. I have no idea how I got lucky enough for you to think so." He brushes some of his hair out of his face, cheeks pink, and sets to getting Casper's legs free of bits of plant.

-Private Threads- [pluviosa]

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