"I'm-- it's not-- no one except you has ever been happy because of me, unless you count the people who liked reading my shitty novel, and that's not the same as like, interpersonal... social... like, I'm not good at people! Even if I understand someone's motivations I'm too awkward to effectively do anything about it! I'm not, lying, not-- no one else has ever looked at me like you do." He scrubs his free hand over his face. He knows he's sleazy scum but he doesn't want to be an untrustworthy liar in Casper's eyes too. "I've never been able to make anyone like me until you. Even if you-- it doesn't mean I'm not bad at something if it works one of the ten thousand times I've tried!"
"The last thing I ever want is to hurt you. I'd rather--" it's probably not productive to list how much less he values himself than Casper. Casper doesn't like it when he does that. He changes tacks. "Just... you're important. You being happy is important. You not being hurt is the most important--" He swallows. And Casper looks kind of annoyed at him, and he doesn't know how to fix that either.
He could say something useless about them not deserving Casper's loyalty, but that wouldn't do either of them any good, would it? "You deserve better," is what he eventually manages, his voice a little quiet. Casper is still holding onto his hand, still-- he doesn't know why he feels like something is about to collapse onto him, some looming disaster, like everything is going to explode. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to focus on breathing normally. It's fine. Nothing is happening. There aren't even any monsters here. And the cool hand against his would never backhand him into a wall. Even if he upset him. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. He's happy, right? He was happy. He doesn't know where it went.
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Date: 2024-04-22 11:31 pm (UTC)From:"The last thing I ever want is to hurt you. I'd rather--" it's probably not productive to list how much less he values himself than Casper. Casper doesn't like it when he does that. He changes tacks. "Just... you're important. You being happy is important. You not being hurt is the most important--" He swallows. And Casper looks kind of annoyed at him, and he doesn't know how to fix that either.
He could say something useless about them not deserving Casper's loyalty, but that wouldn't do either of them any good, would it? "You deserve better," is what he eventually manages, his voice a little quiet. Casper is still holding onto his hand, still-- he doesn't know why he feels like something is about to collapse onto him, some looming disaster, like everything is going to explode. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to focus on breathing normally. It's fine. Nothing is happening. There aren't even any monsters here. And the cool hand against his would never backhand him into a wall. Even if he upset him. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. He's happy, right? He was happy. He doesn't know where it went.